Pro-Israeli Stand Cost Canada UN Seat, Harper Says

Ain’t That A Shame

Outgoing Veterans Ombudsman Says He’ll Sue Government

Runaround Sue

Despite Quitting, Prentice On Short List Of Potential Successors To PM

King Of The Road

C IBC-ing You

Ottawa Talks Of Extending Afghan Mission

War…Huh…What Is It Good For?

Go For Skilled Immigrants

You Better Come Home Speedy Gonzales

Ottawa Mayor replaced After One Term

Hats Off To Larry

You Can Leave Your Hat On

Katie Perry Turns Down Playboy Nude Spread

She Wore An Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

Is Your Laptop Cooking Your Testicles?

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Frankie: Heya Willie how’s it going?

Willie: Fine Frankie. How about you?

Frankie: Oh I don’t know. Did you ever take…

Willie: A questionable renovating contractor’s T-square?

Frankie: Yeah, and tried to balance it on your head but it falls off your head and cuts your big toe off?

Willie: Eeew, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Yeah I think there’s something nasty afoot when it comes to these Parliament Building renovations.

Willie: Aside from your big toe?

Frankie: Yeah I think something stinks around here, Willie.

Willie: Are talking about illegal contracting practices?

Frankie: No, now I’m talking about my big toe. I think gangrene’s setting in and oh does it smell.

Willie: Eeew, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Speaking of stinky political practices, I see the government made a decision on that big potash transfer business.

Willie: Yeah, now what’s that all about, Frankie?

Frankie: Well an Australian mining company called BHP Billiton undertook a hostile takeover.

Willie: Speaking of hostile that’s exactly how Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall appears these days.

Frankie: With good reason. He wanted the takeover turned down. He says the province stands to lose billions of dollars in lost revenue. He’s in a real set-to with Ottawa over this.

Willie: Geez, Frankie, sounds like there’s more fertilizer coming from the politicians than under the ground in Saskatchewan.

Frankie: Good one, Willie.

Willie: I just have one question Frankie.

Frankie: What’s that Willie?

Willie: Well, first, I thought pot was illegal in Canada and, second, wouldn’t you have to smoke a lot of it to come up with enough pot ashes to make the deal worthwhile?

Frankie: Eeew, I’d hate if that happened.

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

The solution lies with HGTV. Sure, think about it. They have all the experts in one place. Overseeing the parliamentary precinct project would be -who else – Mike Holmes. This guy’s undertaken new homes in flood-ravaged New Orleans, an energy-efficient home from the ground up and houses on First Nations reserves. If you want to do it right, call Mike.

Given the shenanigans that have resulted in shoddy renovations to date Mike will want to bring in that guy from Disaster DIY. He in turn might want to get MPs from all parties engaged. After all there’s nothing like a little Sweat Equity.

Now, understandably, the House of Commons needs to find a new place to hold their debates while renovations are undertaken to the Centre Block. Who better to call than House Hunters. They find houses for people every single week – every day in re-runs. I’m sure they can find a House of Commons.

The Senate will have to move too. I think we should call those Brits from Relocation, Relocation, Relocation. Phil and that frumpy woman. You know who I mean. The one that dresses like a cow. Kirstie Allsopp, yeah that’s her.

Helping Parliamentarians moo-ve

To ensure taxpayers get their money’s worth the government should bring in the folks from Bang For Your Buck.

To undertake these renovations economically the people at Hidden Potential might be useful.

Of course Canadians will have to buy into this approach so that guy who sits on the roof in Buy Me might be hired to mount a communications campaign.

But he better keep it straightforward and simple. After all, Canadians aren’t exactly Property Virgins.

Make it right, Mike.

Our congratulatory messages from the Prime Minister, Opposition leader, other pugnacious politicians, idols of industry and mavens of media must be in the mail. At least that’s what their offices said when I asked them, right after they said “Slings and who?”

To commemorate this auspicious (or suspicious if you prefer) occasion I’m re-running one of my favourite posts, which happened to run in October last year. Amazing how it’s really true that just like they say (who are “they” anyway) “the more things change the more they remain the same”. Enjoy…

Editors Note:

In the lead up to a network rebrand to CBCNN (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News Network) CBC Newsworld’s News Morning dumped it’s lowly paid business reporter and replaced her with business “commentator” Kevin O’Leary.  O’Leary does his interviews from wherever his travels take him.  One day he’ s in the studio.  The next in a limo to the airport via broadband.  The following day he’s in a hotel room via Skype – fully dressed, thank goodness.  Recently, host Heather Hiscox interrupted his early morning squash game at some far-flung gym to do their interview.

Kevin O’Leary appears on the CBC’s Dragon’s Den and ABC’ s Shark Tank. He  is CEO of O’Leary Funds and a multimillionaire.

THE DOLLAR TAKES A DUMP

by nonamedufus

Heather: We now go to Kevin O’Leary for this hour’s update on today’s market trends.  Kevin, how are you and where are you today?

(sound of toilet flushing)

Kevin:  Well, Heather, I must say you’ve caught me at an awkward moment.  I guess you could say there’s movement on the markets this morning.  That’s what coffee does to me sometimes.  That and the Mexican food I had for dinner last night.

Heather: I hope that’s not your comment on where the markets are headed this morning?

O’Leary: Pungent financial analysis

Kevin: Oh, no, Heather, ha, ha, they certainly aren’t down the toilet by any means.  Indeed, I’d have to say traders are flush with excitement today at the prospect of the Canadian dollar losing parity to it’s American counterpart.

Heather: And why would they be excited, Kevin?

Kevin: Well, it’s really a trickle down effect we have here, Heather.  A lower domestic currency makes our exports more attractive.

Heather: I see, so that’s a good thing, then.

Kevin:  Well, Canadian consumers well be pissed off.  But I’m sure they’d rather be pissed off than pissed on.

Heather: And exporters?

Kevin:  Oh they’ll be happier than pigs in shit, Heather – happy their goods aren’t going down the crapper on the world market like they did when our currency was close to par with the American dollar.

Heather:  Has the government backed consumers into a cubicle, as it were?

Kevin:  Well, consumers may think the economy’s in a stall, Heather, but in reality they’ll be able to relieve themselves from the pressures of the market place.

Heather:  Did the government see this coming, Kevin?

Kevin: Actually, you could say the government was caught with it’s pants down this morning…

Heather: Along with a certain financial analyst.

Kevin:  …and market conditions may remain unstable and flatulent for a while yet. In the end, though, I think many investors could wipe up.

Heather:  I see.  Well thanks for clearing the air Kevin.  So I guess you could say that while the dollar’s a little exhausted, it isn’t pooped.

Kevin:  That’s right Heather.  My overriding message to Canadians would be that while things could be a little messy in the short-term, over the long haul,   “Urine fine shape”.

Heather:  Thank you Kevin.  Business commentator Kevin O’Leary with a significant report from the men’s room at the Starbuck’s at Yonge and Bloor in Toronto this morning.

Finance Minister thinks O’Leary’s financial analysis stinks

by nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – The Speaker of the House of Commons announced today that backbenchers from all parties would soon be getting a little extra help during the daily Question Period. The House of Commons is about to become the first legislature in the country to have it’s own cheerleaders.

The bipartisan squad known as The Raucous Caucus has been practicing routines for several weeks now in the Railway Committee room.

Do those guys have to look up our dresses like that?

“The move is intended to create an air of civility in the House,” said Speaker Orr Ater. “Half the time backbenchers act like trained seals applauding their leaders and the other half they act like buffoons hooting and hollering across the aisle at members opposite. These young people will enhance the in-House experience.”

The speaker says they’ll wait to see if they should blast loud dance music in the House between leader’s statements.

The Speaker is hopeful this measure will tone down the buffoonery while at the same time engage people in the public galleries as well as viewers of the Parliamentary Channel.

The new Usher of the Sis-Boom-Bah, Priscilla PomPom told Slings and Arrows, “We’ve got a number of simple routines worked out aimed at lowering the rhetoric and heightening the support for civil debate.”

Ms. PomPom says the cheers include one worked up for Conservative backbenchers:

Who rocks the House? (clap, clap)

I said Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)

And when Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)

We rock it all the way down (clap, clap)

A failure with the Tory caucus, Helena Guergis tries out for the Raucous Caucus

A cheer’s been pulled together for the Liberals, too.

Give me an I

Give me a G

Give me another G

Give me a Y

What’s that spell? (Iggy)

What’s that spell? (IG-GEE…YAY, WA-HOO)

And the cheerleading team is currently working on a chant for the NDP

We know Jack (clap)

You don’t know Jack (clap, clap)

And that’s as far as Ms PomPom and her girls have got on that one.

The Bloc Quebecois are cheerleaderless because Ms PomPom said they couldn’t work up a cheery routine around separatism.

Without cheerleaders BQ leader Duceppe is reduced to giving Harper a raspberry

Speaker Orr Ater was asked why he undertook this unusual measure. He replied, “Hey, if it’s good enough for the Edmonton Oilers then it’s good enough for snake oil salesmen.”