Monthly Archives: October 2009

PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PARLIAMENTARY CHANGES


USHER OF THE BLACK ROD OUT, PARLIAMENTARY WHIPPING BOY IN
by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus


OTTAWA (S&A) – In one of the most significant changes to a British-style House of Parliament in over 500 years, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that he has eliminated the Canadian Senate’s Usher of the Black Rod and replaced it with the Parliamentary Whipping Boy.

A press briefing package accompanying the announcement described the moves as part of the Conservative government’s “… ongoing incremental package of changes to parliament especially as they relate to the Senate.”  The briefing note went on to say that since the Usher of the Black Rod is effectively the Senate’s Sergeant-at-Arms, and since that chamber is used primarily for napping, the Usher’s role could easily be handled by the House of Commons Sergeant-at-Arms.  The document further explained that “ … because the role of Whipping Boy was created by British monarchs three hundred years after the creation of the Black Usher, this change is further proof that the Government is serious about modernizing Parliament.”

usher-shirtless

End of the line for Usher

MP Pierre Poiliviere, age 31, who recently secured his life-time parliamentary pension after six years of service, has been named by Harper as the first Parliamentary Whipping Boy.  Until today, Poiliviere was MP for a suburban Ottawa riding.  He was also Parliamentary Secretary to the prime minister where he earned the moniker PM’s Powder Monkey in reference to all of the unnecessary political fires he has started over the course of his short career.

Caught in a scrum, Harper, who will soon be visiting China, where his statements on China’s human rights record have enraged its government, says he wants Poilievre in place and with him on the trip “ … in case they take what I say so hard that they try to whip me. “

harper+poilievre.JPG

Poiliviere promoted from PM’s pit bull to parliamentary whipping boy

Asked by a reporter how he intends to use the Whipping Boy in parliament, the PM replied:  “Well, of course as Prince of Parliament, I’ll take a few whacks at him myself from time to time.  But I also see him as a great tension release for cabinet members.  For instance there are times when John Baird is just frothing in Question Period – and that’s no good because he gets spittle all over the front bench.  Well, I could just assign the Parliamentary Whipping Boy to that member to bring on some tension relief”

In an unusual development, Poiliviere was unavailable for comment.

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Government Cheques and Balances

Is Harper Offside in Latest Goal?

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – Prime Minister Stephen Harper ratcheted up the government cheque presentation debacle last week and found himself on thin ice as he skated into the debate surrounding moving a National Hockey League team to Canada.

In an apparent metaphorical “let’s go” aimed at NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, the Prime Minister dropped the gloves and proclaimed at a media opportunity that “I think the cities of Quebec, Hamilton and Winnipeg are all able to support a team”.

The Winnipeg Jets folded up their tent and moved to Phoenix to become the Deadbeat Dogs of the NHL, the Coyotes, in 1996.  The Nordiques moved to Colorado to become the Avalanche in 1995.  Hamilton has never had an NHL team even though RIM chairman Jim Balsillie has attempted on three separate occasions to buy and move an NHL franchise to the Steel City.  Each time he’s been shut out thanks to the fancy stick work of Bettman.

For his part, Harper is clearly thinking of an upcoming national election and may be planning on handing out NHL franchises as part of his government’s recovery program known as Canada’s Economic Action Plan.

“Can’t you just picture government Members of Parliament presenting huge mocked-up cheques to various cities with the Conservative Party logo on them?” mused Harper to reporters.

Cheque-gate

Government of Canada awards 15 NHL franchises last week

“It’s a win-win,” continued the PM.  “Every mid to major market gets an NHL franchise AND a Conservative Member of Parliament.”

When reached for comment, flamboyant hockey analyst  Don Cherry responded, “Hell you’ve got to hand it to the Prime Minister.  He’s ready to get his elbows up in the corners.  No sissy visors like the Liberals wear!”

When asked about possible collateral damage a Hamilton team might inflict upon Toronto, Cherry responded, “Hey, maybe Steve could find a team for Toronto, too!”

NHL-MEETINGBettman indicates the chances of Harper’s plan succeeding

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Economy In The Crapper?

Editors Note:

In the lead up to a network rebrand to CBCNN (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News Network) CBC Newsworld’s News Morning dumped it’s lowly paid business reporter and replaced her with business “commentator” Kevin O’Leary.  O’Leary does his interviews from wherever his travels take him.  One day he’ s in the studio.  The next in a limo to the airport via broadband.  The following day he’s in a hotel room via Skype – fully dressed, thank goodness.  Recently, host Heather Hiscox interrupted his early morning squash game at some far-flung gym to do their interview.

Kevin O’Leary appears on the CBC’s Dragon’s Den and ABC’ s Shark Tank. He  is CEO of O’Leary Funds and a multimillionaire.

THE DOLLAR TAKES A DUMP

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

Heather: We now go to Kevin O’Leary for this hour’s update on today’s market trends.  Kevin, how are you and where are you today?

(sound of toilet flushing)

Kevin:  Well, Heather, I must say you’ve caught me at an awkward moment.  I guess you could say there’s movement on the markets this morning.  That’s what coffee does to me sometimes.  That and the Mexican food I had for dinner last night.

Heather: I hope that’s not your comment on where the markets are headed this morning?

shark-tank

O’Leary: Pungent financial analysis

Kevin: Oh, no, Heather, ha, ha, they certainly aren’t down the toilet by any means.  Indeed, I’d have to say traders are flush with excitement today at the prospect of the Canadian dollar losing parity to it’s American counterpart.

Heather: And why would they be excited, Kevin?

Kevin: Well, it’s really a trickle down effect we have here, Heather.  A lower domestic currency makes our exports more attractive.

Heather: I see, so that’s a good thing, then.

Kevin:  Well, Canadian consumers well be pissed off.  But I’m sure they’d rather be pissed off than pissed on.

Heather: And exporters?

Kevin:  Oh they’ll be happier than pigs in shit, Heather – happy their goods aren’t going down the crapper on the world market like they did when our currency was close to par with the American dollar.

Heather:  Has the government backed consumers into a cubicle, as it were?

Kevin:  Well, consumers may think the economy’s in a stall, Heather, but in reality they’ll be able to relieve themselves from the pressures of the market place.

Heather:  Did the government see this coming, Kevin?

Kevin: Actually, you could say the government was caught with it’s pants down this morning…

Heather: Along with a certain financial analyst.

Kevin:  …and market conditions may remain unstable and flatulent for a while yet.  In the end, though, I think many investors could wipe up.

Heather:  I see.  Well thanks for clearing the air Kevin.  So I guess you could say that while the dollar’s a little exhausted, it isn’t pooped.

Kevin:  That’s right Heather.  My overriding message to Canadians would be that while things could be a little messy in the short-term, over the long haul,   “Urine fine shape”.

Heather:  Thank you Kevin.  Business commentator Kevin O’Leary with a significant report from the men’s room at the Starbuck’s at Yonge and Bloor in Toronto this morning.

y1pSUw29AlRf5x0hKRW32l2wKNHqyqJArFQK-bHTS5nLXr3M_VKUCueWkIrIiuF1era8W1Y-dvd3H4Finance Minister thinks O’Leary’s financial analysis stinks

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Stephen Harper Caught Lip-Syncing “O Canada”

Critics Accuse PM of Hubris after National Arts Centre Triumph

PM Responds by Blaming Ashlee Simpson and Yo Yo Mah for Setting Bad Examples

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) –  Only a few short weeks ago Stephen Harper was the toast of the town.  That was when he brought down the house with his rendition of the Beatles’ “A Little Help From My Friends”. It was before a packed black-tie audience at the National Arts Centre no less and with none other than the celebrated cellist Yo Yo Mah at his side.  He tickled the ivories, he sang and the crowd went wild.  A big Beatles’ fan he could have sung their whole catalogue.  The world was his oyster!

Well, that was then, this is now.  Two nights ago, a cell-phone video began circulating on You Tube.  The video begins with the Prime Minister at a local Ottawa hockey rink shaking hands awkwardly with a thirteen year-old player who some say resembles his son.  As spectators stood to sing “O Canada”, the camera fixed on Harper who was staring at a scrap of paper as he began to sing.  But instead of singing the words to the national anthem, he dropped the piece of paper and moved his lips inaudibly.  A lip reader hired by the National Post, confirmed that Harper was actually mouthing nonsense syllables.  Post reporters retrieved the scrap of paper to find a 1901 version of the anthem which began with:

O Canada, Our Father’s land of old

Thy brow is crowned with leaves …

2068102.bin“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…”

Harper, who had been provided the lyrics by the PMO Press Office who apparently had not realized that there had been many a change in the lyrics in the ensuing century, then made a crucial mistake:  Rather than admit that like the majority of Canadians, he had no idea what the words were to O Canada, he first blamed Ashlee Simpson for setting a bad example for lip-syncing on Saturday Night Live several years ago.  When reporters pointed out that he was claiming to have been influenced by a vacuous twenty-year old, Harper shifted the blame to Yo Yo Mah who pretended to play his cello in the sub-zero temperature of President Obama’s inauguration.

Opposition politicians were scathing:  “You know, he could have chosen something by John Lennon.  This man is really low-brow and not fit to be prime minister” said an outraged Michael Ignatieff, leader of the official opposition.

“Why did he just shake that boy’s hand?  Why couldn’t he have given him a nice fatherly hug?” cried Jack Layton leader of the New Democratic Party.  “We know Harper’s a milquetoast.  Now he’s also Milli Vanilli.”

“Why doan ‘e sing “Mon Pay”? lamented  Gilles Duceppe, the Harpo Marx lookalike leader of the Bloc Quebecois, giving voice to his concerns.

Cheryl Gallant, who some believe to be Kermit the Frog’s girlfriend, a Conservative member of Parliament and Harper’s official cheerleader, indicated she would have nothing to say until she receives written lines from the Prime Minister’s Office.  She has yet to comment.

harper-rideau-cp-5935510“Baby, you can drive my car…”

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Fools Rush In

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

WASHINGTON, DC (S&A) Fresh from his Heisman trophy win following a weekend of watching NFL matches, President Obama summoned all his experience in this area to intervene in one of the most memorable controversies to rock the world of professional football.

In an 11th hour call to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Obama managed to negotiate a reversal of the NFL’s decisions to disallow Rush Limbaugh’s partnership in the group bidding to buy the St. Louis Rams.

rush_limbaughCaution: Listening may cause serious illness

A week ago Limbaugh, a renowned doctor-shopper and oxycontin connoisseur, commented that his football woes were the result of how Obama was running America.  “What is happening to the National Football League, what is about to happen to it, has already happened to Wall Street, has already happened to the automobile business,” claiming he had been done in by the media’s “blind hated”.

Obama, speaking to  FOX News’s Chris Wallace, in an interview that never aired – and according to the transcript obtained by S&A – told the so-called research arm of the Republican party, “I’ve decided to not only let this guy with a great football name back into the bidding process but I’m also appointing him as chairman of the Federal Reserve and making him the government’s point man with the auto industry.

Limbaugh’s plans for the St. Louis Rams include demoting all African American team members to water boys and Gatorade garcons while firing all the Mexicans who do that now.

st-louis-rams-stephen-jackson-794847
Wide receiver today, water boy tomorrow?

Limbaugh, a conservative talk show host, is also bankrolling the reality television show “American Libel” starring the balloon boy family, the pilot of which was taped last week (no pun intended).  “I’d like to use balloon boy as my half-time show entertainment,” said Limbaugh.  “It’s time Americans knew that politicians don’t have a monopoly on hot air.”  Or radio hosts.

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Birth Of A Nation

Self-Described Idiot Demands Recognition From Lou Dobbs

by nonamedufus and Uni Blogger

WARROAD, MINNESOTA (S&A) Twenty-four year-old Baldur Thorsteinson of Warroad Minnesota says he feels like the loneliest person in America because Lou Dobbs won’t call him an idiot.


Over the past number of years, Dobbs, a failed businessman who uses a daily time slot on CNN, The Most Trusted Name In News (Trademark Registered), has succeeded in calling every living American an idiot at least once. Every American that is, except Thorsteinson.


Promoting xenophobia? “Hey, I loved Olivia Newton-John in that movie!”


When pressed by a reporter about anything at all in his background that would cause him to be omitted from Dobb’s very long (and until now apparently ) inexhaustible list, Thorsteinson says that there have been suggestions that the refusal to designate him an idiot stems from Dobb’s belief that with a name like Baldur Thorsteinson, he is an illegal alien from Iceland or worse still, a border-jumping Canadian.


“I admit that I can sound like a Canadian, but that’s because Warroad is close to Brainerd Minnesota, where the accents are a lot like Sarah Palin’s but that alone should give me an ‘idiot’ rating because I’m pretty sure that Lou has the hots for Sarah given the way he’s been defending her on his show, said Thorsteinson. “I don’t believe the fact that the biggest Icelandic community outside of Iceland itself is just seventy miles north of here in Gimli Manitoba has anything to do with what he’s doing to me. I’m completely stumped.”


When reached for comment, Dobb’s immediate reaction was simply that Thorsteinson’s pretensions to idiocy were mind-boggling and incomprehensible to any middle-class American. “Look, the guy’s a Canadian or maybe even an Icelander and therefore has no constitutional right to demand anything of me! I say go back to your seal-infested ice-floe Baldur boy and leave our god-fearing right-wing American idots well enough alone.”


Thorsteinson: not an idiot

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You’re In The Perspiration Room

THE PERSPIRATION ROOM
By Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

“I’m Tiger Howitzer and you’re in the Perspiration Room.”

(sound of toilet flushing)

Voice off camera: “Five minutes Mr. Howitzer!”

“Geez, the acoustics in here are fabulous. I should do the show from here.”

I shouldn’t have had the brocolli. Anybody got a toothpick?

“Today on the Perspiration Room…A bronze statue of Helen Keller was unveiled at the U.S. Capitol recently as lawmakers praised her as a trailblazer and an inspiration for those with disabilities. Let’s go to reporter Ivanna Humpewe”

“Thanks, Tiger. ‘Some are still dismissed and cast aside for nothing more than being less than perfect,’ Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican member from Kentucky said at the unveiling ceremony. But legislators here have cast Helen Keller in bronze.” Tiger…

“Thanks, Ivanna. You really had to hand it to Helen Keller, didn’t you, Ivanna?”

“Well, yes, Tiger, she was blind.”

“Okay, Ivanna, thanks for that report. I’m simply dumb-founded. Next on the Perspiration Room ‘Multiple Births’ and for that we go to CNN’s John ‘Don’t call me J.D.’ Roberts and this special report from Rocky Mountain House, Alberta.”

“Thanks, Tiger. The so-called Birthers movement which gained notoriety in the United States by questioning the birthplace of President Barack Obama has spread it’s legs to Canada. Roland von Britecruser, head of the “Birthers Unite Now Canada” has, for the past several months, been trying to prove that Stephen Harper is not a Canadian and so is prohibited by the Canadian Constitution to hold the office of Prime Minister. The effort has not gained much traction since there is no such constitutional prohibition in the country.”

“I pointed out this obvious flaw in his pursuit of Harper and von Britecruser, who runs Vonny’s Abattoir and Beauty Parlour in Rocky Mountain House, seemed crushed. He told me:”

“Well, I don’t know what to do now because deep down we all know he’s not for real with all that ten-gallon hat hot dog servin’ stuff at the Calgary Stampede.”

“Hey, maybe if Alberta separates from the rest of the country, then we can say he’s a separatist”
“Tiger.”

“J.D., erm, sorry, ah, John what does Mr von Britecruser intend to do now?”

“Well, Tiger, he says in addition to the Birthers Unite Now Canada association, or BUNC, he plans on creating the Alberta Says Secession Equals Safety group…or ASSES. Tiger?”

“Thanks, John. We’ll be back tomorrow with more burning issues on another edition of the Perspiration Room.”

  

Roland von Britecruser – head of ASSES
“Hey, hey, ho, ho
Stampedin’ Stephen’s got to go”

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