You’re In The Perspiration Room

By Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

“I’m Tiger Howitzer and you’re in the Perspiration Room.”

(sound of toilet flushing)

Voice off camera: “Five minutes Mr. Howitzer!”

“Geez, the acoustics in here are fabulous. I should do the show from here.”

I shouldn’t have had the brocolli. Anybody got a toothpick?

“Today on the Perspiration Room…A bronze statue of Helen Keller was unveiled at the U.S. Capitol recently as lawmakers praised her as a trailblazer and an inspiration for those with disabilities. Let’s go to reporter Ivanna Humpewe”

“Thanks, Tiger. ‘Some are still dismissed and cast aside for nothing more than being less than perfect,’ Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Republican member from Kentucky said at the unveiling ceremony. But legislators here have cast Helen Keller in bronze.” Tiger…

“Thanks, Ivanna. You really had to hand it to Helen Keller, didn’t you, Ivanna?”

“Well, yes, Tiger, she was blind.”

“Okay, Ivanna, thanks for that report. I’m simply dumb-founded. Next on the Perspiration Room ‘Multiple Births’ and for that we go to CNN’s John ‘Don’t call me J.D.’ Roberts and this special report from Rocky Mountain House, Alberta.”

“Thanks, Tiger. The so-called Birthers movement which gained notoriety in the United States by questioning the birthplace of President Barack Obama has spread it’s legs to Canada. Roland von Britecruser, head of the “Birthers Unite Now Canada” has, for the past several months, been trying to prove that Stephen Harper is not a Canadian and so is prohibited by the Canadian Constitution to hold the office of Prime Minister. The effort has not gained much traction since there is no such constitutional prohibition in the country.”

“I pointed out this obvious flaw in his pursuit of Harper and von Britecruser, who runs Vonny’s Abattoir and Beauty Parlour in Rocky Mountain House, seemed crushed. He told me:”

“Well, I don’t know what to do now because deep down we all know he’s not for real with all that ten-gallon hat hot dog servin’ stuff at the Calgary Stampede.”

“Hey, maybe if Alberta separates from the rest of the country, then we can say he’s a separatist”

“J.D., erm, sorry, ah, John what does Mr von Britecruser intend to do now?”

“Well, Tiger, he says in addition to the Birthers Unite Now Canada association, or BUNC, he plans on creating the Alberta Says Secession Equals Safety group…or ASSES. Tiger?”

“Thanks, John. We’ll be back tomorrow with more burning issues on another edition of the Perspiration Room.”


Roland von Britecruser – head of ASSES
“Hey, hey, ho, ho
Stampedin’ Stephen’s got to go”

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