Monthly Archives: November 2009

Weighty Issues Discussed in Parliament

MP LANGUAGE GETS HEAVY

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (Slings And Arrows) – In an exclusive to Slings and Arrows, Government MP Gerald Keddy has admitted he wasn’t talking about the homeless in Halifax when he was uttering the epithet “no-good bastards” in Parliament last week.  “No, I was aiming my remarks at the mindless in the House of Commons,” admitted Keddy.

Keddy says he was sick and tired of the disparaging remarks aimed at political heavyweight Dean Del Mastro.  “First, Scarborough Liberal MP Michelle Simpson tweeted she hoped Del Mastro would grow up not out and then Scott Brison called him a pavillon.  So he’s a little on the heavy side.  Big deal?  Sorry, I didn’t mean ‘big’ deal, I meant ‘what’s the problem?'”

Del Mastro…political heavyweight

Keddy added, “Hey, we don’t shout across the aisle ‘who wears the pants in your family?’ when Michelle or Scott get up to speak.  I mean we’re not like that.  Just because Del casts a huge shadow is no reason to make fun of his portliness.”  And Keddy continued,  “He’s lost 80 pounds recently.  He could have been the biggest loser…I mean on that TV show…not in the House of Commons.

Asked if he regretted using colourful language in the House of Commons, Keddy replied “No fucking way.  I won’t apologize for the air being blue…hey, I’m a Conservative for Christ’s sake.”

Keddy also said the fat jokes have no place in the House of Commons and should be kept to where they belong: “…the Upper Chamber, where Mike Duffy works.”

Duffy…big man in the Senate

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Know More. Know Now.

NO MORE.  NOT NOW.

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

TORONTO (S&A) – In an exclusive arrangement with the polling firm Pathetic Counsel, Slings and Arrows has undertaken a comprehensive review – at least as equally comprehensive as the CBC’s news – into the so-called “news-shift” of CBC Newsworld to CBC News Network.

Pathetic Counsel President Allan Brag says the only shift in the news channel’s overhaul has been the shift of viewers to CTV NewsNet.  “The Much Music approach to news has alienated viewers,” says Brag.  “Grown-up Canadians want grown-up news delivered by grown-up people.”

The slick promos promise you that “It’s an all new CBC news.  Coming to you in an exciting new way.”  But Brag says the majority of Canadians they polled prefer the old way.  “Canadians want their news with facts and depth; the 5 Ws, if you will, not the WTF.”

“In an effort to get to the root of the problem we asked some direct questions,” bragged Brag.  “For example one thing we asked was ‘why do you think Power and Politics host Evan Solomon has a glass anchor desk?’  The majority of Canadians – 69% – responded, ‘so he can check the shine on his shoes’.  27% thought he was checking to see if his zipper was down.”

“As well we asked how Connect host Mark Kelley might appear to be more empathetic,” said Brag . “53% felt he should dress like Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera.  Another 39% thought maybe he should grow a Pancho Villa style mustache.

Mark Kelley before…pathetic

Mark Kelley after…empathetic

Brag reports the vast majority of those polled also found the constant promoting of stories coming up as opposed to simply reporting those stories – the Entertainment Tonight approach – to be annoying.

“The CBC is telling us they want us to ‘Know more.  Know now’.  But the message we’re getting is ‘No more.  Not now.'”

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Sanitation Workers Upset With Dion’s Wife

Facebook Rant Not Fit To Be Garbage

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – Slings and Arrows has learned that the Garbage and Refuse Itinerants of Trash and Sanitation (GRITS), the national sanitation workers union in Canada, is contemplating legal action against former Liberal leader Stephane Dion’s wife for her recent Facebook rant against the Liberal Party.

Stephane Who and Janine WTF

Janine Krieber indicated on her Facebook page that she hadn’t posted in over a year and then proceeded to let fly at both the Liberal Party and the man who was anointed her husband’s replacement as the Liberal emperor, Michael Ignatieff – trashing them both.

Asked why the GRITS were contemplating legal action against Ms. Krieber, a union spokesperson at first said the union would refuse to comment.

But after realizing this would be a waste of time, spokesman Juan C.A. Week grew more liberal and shared with S&A the underlying reason: “This has nothing to do with politics.  She’s dumping on garbage men, pure and simple,” said Week.  ” She said, and I quote, ‘I will not give my voice to a party that will end up in the trashcan of history.’  That’s slanderous and our members won’t stand for it.”

Liberal Party of Canada trashed

A smiling Juan C.A. Week added that emptying trashcan’s once a week was a noble profession and he’s merely speaking on behalf of a profession who respects its leadership.  “A profession where the rule would be the principle of pleasure and not assassination.  A profession where work ethic and competence would be respected and where smiles would be real.”

Week concluded that the Garbage and Refuse Itinerants of Trash and Sanitation were by and large a peaceful union.  In halting English he said  “Yes, you could-a say we’re-a no mad.”

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Phoque That…

And Other Juicy Tidbits

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

*sound of computer mouse clicking*

Hello Mr. and Mrs. Canada from border to border and coast to coast to coast and all the ships at sea.  Let’s go to the interwebs…

The Governor General has given her seal of approval to the latest entrée on the Parliamentary Restaurant’s menu.  Ottawa is currently hunting for a seal supplier and if located seal meat will soon be found where Senators and Members of Parliament dine.  The GG, who in a public display in Nunavut earlier this year went to the heart of the matter when she ate des phoques raw heart is said to be pleased Parliament is joining the club.

CTV head honcho Ivan Fecan has told the Canadian Radio, Television and Telecommunications Commission that he’d be forced to pull the plug on the television network if the CRTC didn’t go along with their demands that cable companies pay them for programming.  This comes as a relief to viewers of CTV News who think Lloyd Robertson and Craig Oliver had died years ago.  Can you say Weekend at Bernie’s, guys?

Canada’s answer to Walter Cronkite…he’s dead too!

In a report published recently by Transparency International, Canada is viewed as one of the least corrupt nations in the world and held as an example to the United States and other nations in North and South America.  It is not, apparently, held in high esteem by the city of Montreal.

Is the latest casualty of President Obama’s handling of the economy…wait for it…Lou Dobbs?  The paunchy provocateur says he lost his job at CNN because of the American President.  Dobbs says he and CNN came to an abrupt parting of the ways because his anti-Obama rants and anti-immigrant tirades didn’t fit with the news network’s approach to news.  CBC apparently offered Dobbs a job to replace fellow school of bombastic financial gloom and doom graduate Kevin O’Leary but he turned down the offer saying Canada didn’t have enough Mexicans.

And, finally, in what has become a regular occurence, the Harper  government released the following denials last week:

The Katzenjammer Twin tag team of Lawrence Canon and Peter McKay denied there was “provable torture” after Canadian troops handed over prisoners to the Afghans.

Peter Van Loan and Stockwell Day denied there was “provable evidence” that long guns kill people indicating, meanwhile, there is evidence to suggest some people kill some other people’s long gun registry.

The Prime Minister and Jim Prentice denied there was “definitive evidence” of climate change.

Change we can’t believe in.

Jim “Grinch” Flaherty denied that pre-schoolers should unquestionably accept the existence of Santa Claus as they’d be setting themselves up for a big disappointment later on in life.

And Pierre Poilievre, the Prime Minister’s Parliamentary Secretary, denied “all those stories that I had no real job or income until I discovered this great Member of Parliament gig”.

Hey, the same stuff happened today that happened yesterday…only to different people.

Good night, and good luck.

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AIR CANADA ANNOUNCES SERVICE IMPROVEMENTS

AIRLINE MAY FLY YOU TO THE MOON, BUT IT WILL COST!

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

MONTREAL (S&A) – Recent attempts by Air Canada at “service improvements” such as the short-lived ban on unaccompanied minors flying alone, and the continuing curiosity of the dried-out eight-dollar sandwich as an in-flight “meal” have left many Air Canada customers, alienated and disgusted.

But Air Canada’s hard-working Customer Satisfaction Branch believes that as of last week when it announced the first two of several service improvements, Canada’s “national airline” is well on the way to “turning all those customer frowns into customer smiles” as Mitzi Flyme, the branch director put it.

AC_777A new approach to airline service – plane and simple

Effective immediately, passengers will be able to choose seats with slightly more leg-room by paying a surcharge of $35 on a one-way ticket.  According to Flyme, any passenger over four foot-two (metric measurement available for a fee by contacting S&A) will find this service a restful and soothing enhancement of their Air Canada flying experience.

A similar charge will be in place for mothers flying with newborn babies.  One new mother who didn’t wish to be identified reacted with a curt:  “WTF”!?

Industry insiders who claim to be familiar with Air Canada’s long term customer satisfaction plan have told S&A that at least two other “customer satisfaction initiatives are in the pipeline:

  • For twenty dollars, the airline will guarantee that if a cabin attendant does not answer a passenger service buzzer within seventeen minutes, the passenger will be given the choice of a free dry sandwich or any left-over Pringle’s Chips.
  • In an air industry first, at fifty dollars per passenger, Air Canada will offer flights where the pilots have been breathalyzer-certified sober.

Flyme refused to confirm or deny that such plans are in the works.

When approached for a comment from Transport Minister John Baird’s office, a spokesperson told S&A that the minister would be available to answer any question at fifty dollars per.  S&A staff are currently passing the hat to raise money for the first question.

john_bairdBaird not keen on airline food.

 

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True Intent of Discover Canada Discovered

Tories Intolerant?

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – Slings and Arrows has obtained an early draft of Discover Canada, the citizenship booklet released last week by the Government of Canada.  Discover Canada: The Rights and Responsibilities of Citizenship was originally titled Uncover Canada – Love It Or Leave It and the subject matter was considerably different than the version released later.  It was, indeed, aimed at turning away immigrants, posing extremely difficult questions intended to fail any non-Canadian taking a citizenship evaluation.

For example, it asked potential citizens to name famous Canadians who appear on American media.  While one might expect a question about Canadian media stars to include people like Don Cherry, Peter Mansbridge and Sandi Rinaldo, answers in the early draft guide are limited to such Canadians in America as Lorne Green, Robert MacNeil, John Roberts, Howie Mandell, Alex Trebek and Neil Young.

Jason KenneyWe came this close to putting that draft out

Citizenship and Immigration Minister Jason Kenney, in an exclusive interview with Slings and Arrows, confirmed the original direction the guide was to take.  “We took our lead from the Prime Minister.  A real Canadian doesn’t watch Canadian news or entertainment.  He gets his information from American television.  Or so I’ve been told,” said Kenney.

However, Kenney says at the 11th hour common sense – and the Friends of the CBC – prevailed and the guide was altered to make it more “Canadian”.

“We’ll still be able to stump potential citizens and send them back to where they came from but Anne of Green Gables, Canadian Tire, Tim Horton’s and Howard the Turtle will once again take their place in the pantheon of  Canadian identity”  said Kenney.  “Oh, and for our potential Quebec voters, erm, ah, friends Passe-Partout.”

The Minister was somewhat saddened that the original version was deep-sixed as, in his words, “it was really quite cleverly written.  The subsequent version, compiled quite quickly but which nevertheless missed our deadline isn’t half so engaging.”  The government’s view would appear to be better late than clever.

2202Howard – Canadian turtle and icon

Theme Thursday presents other views on “late” beginning Thursday.  Ours is today because we didn’t want to be late.

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LOU DOBBS, SARAH PALIN SECRETLY MARRIED

SHOCK AND UGH IN THE DESERT!

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

RENO, NEVADA (S&A) Just days ago, the chattering classes, were bemused to hear Lou Dobbs, failed businessman and CNN television personality of sorts announce he was leaving the network immediately. In his farewell remarks, Dobbs spoke cryptically of the encouragement he received from various unnamed “ … leaders in media, politics and business (who) have been urging me to go beyond the role here at CNN. …” .  In a worldwide exclusive, S&A can now reveal that one of those “leaders” is Sarah Palin, herself a failed politician and vice-presidential candidate.

dobbs-louIt’s Sarah for me.  Others Palin comparison.

Sources close to both Palin and Dobbs, all speaking on condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisals, have allowed  S&A to piece together the story of this dangerous liaison as it seeped out of Wassila, Alaska trickled to Washington D.C, and is now puddling in Reno Nevada.

Shortly, before her own surprise resignation announcement as Governor of Alaska, last summer, Palin awoke from a deep sleep in the broad daylight of an Alaskan summer night.  At that moment, she concluded that the only way she could become president was by quitting her governor’s job, writing a book, divorcing Todd, who, as she put it with a wink and smile, “Sure he’s a champion dogsledder and all and that’s all good in Alaska, but he’s no Dale Earnhardt.  You know what I mean?” and by finding a suitable consort in the southern 48, “She said what she needed was a Romeo and Cleopatra kinda thing” said a Wassila intimate.

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska on Flickr - Photo Sharing!Lou’s hard…on Mexicans.

Though it was three in the morning in Connecticut, Dobbs was awake and his mind, remarkably, was thinking similar thoughts:  “I just gotta get out of CNN, they don’t understand me there and besides, the ratings are beginning to tank.  And if I’m gonna keep on calling myself, “Mr. Independent” and calling the Mexican president and his countrymen idiots, I’m gonna have to dump my wife Debi Lee because if I don’t, people will think I’m soft on Mexicans and I’ll never get to be President.”  Just then, the phone rang it was Palin.  The foxy governor and buxom television personality were about to start the ride of their lifetimes.

Negotiations were quick, uncomplicated and privy only to a few intimate sycophants on each side.  This past Friday, each obtained a quickie Nevada divorce and the happy couple was immediately married at the Chapel of Elvis, The Too Soon Taken From Us.

S&A was unable to uncover even one major detail of this union in the quest for the presidency:  Who will be on top?

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