Health Minister Misidentifies Girls Before Swine
by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus
OTTAWA (S&A) Slings and Arrows has learned and can report exclusively how Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq came to lead the government’s efforts in last week’s emergency H1N1 parliamentary debate In something that resembled a scene from the movie The Untouchables, Stephen Harper – playing Al Capone, a role he gained 30 pounds for- chaired the last cabinet meeting, baseball bat in hand, and forced each of his ministers to read a passage from the Bible at top speed.
The object of this bent game was to have the winner deliver the government’s main speech in the emergency debate on its handling of the Swine Flu problem. As it turned out, appropriately enough, the winner was Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq, although Trade Minister Stockwell “I’m in charge here” Day came a close second.
The needle and the damage done
As embarrassed cabinet members slinked out of the meeting in search of Hedy Fry’s parliamentary H1N1 clinic, a delighted Harper, was heard to say that, “You can get further with a kind word and a long-gun than with just a kind word.”
When reporters responded, Huh?”, Harper replied, “Sorry, wrong debate. Although she could have put more soul into it given that it was the well known Book of Genesis, she was very fast and she did say that on the 7th day God created vaccines. Besides, I just loved the way she made those cute little directionless chopping motions with her hands. And you know, it kind of reminded me of second grade when those of us who could read, blasted through ’Dick and Jane’ like it was nobody’s business. Still, I’m not sure if she understood everything she read. She kinda reminds me of Senator Jacques Demers in that way.”
We’ve got to move fast – chop, chop
Observers who later watched Aglukkaq’s speech in the House, where she defended the government’s actions to ensure adequate amounts of vaccine, could not help but think that they too were reliving a ‘Dick and Jane’ moment as the minister blew through her speech so quickly she failed to properly identify the gender of the Speaker. Almost thirty times, she looked at the woman occupying the Speaker’s chair, looked down at her speaking notes and each time looked back at the woman in the chair and called her “Mr. Speaker”. Luckily the Deputy Speaker, a rather plain looking woman even in a good light, took no offence.
Much like when Hansard editors record “Some Honourable Members: ‘Here, here'” to cover up less than honourable parliamentary language, the Health Minister’s gender bender transgression has since been erased from the formal record of debate. Media queries to Agluukaq went unanswered as the Minister refused to be needled by reporters.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into an H1N1 clinic…