The Gnash-shun-all

Impressions and Feelings

by nonamedufus

Good evening and welcome to my own personal newscast.  I’m Peter Man-and-a-half – not that dead guy on the other network – and this is the National.

I wonder if they get the subtle hint I’m a stand-up kinda guy ’cause the network doesn’t give me a chair?  Damn cost-cutting measures.

CBC kept Peter, dumped chair.

In our headlines tonight:

– the government makes an impression that is felt across the country and is sure to cause their popularity to go downhill;

– and, someone made an impression on the government that is felt by the Minister of Fisheries;

Who writes this stuff?  Oh, yeah, I do.

First, let’s go to Terry Mewlleftski in Ottawa for tonight’s top story.

Did I carry that off?  Enough tenor in my voice?  Not too much shine on my ever-balding head?

Thank you Peter.  Yes the government’s popularity is sure to go downhill because government members have all the good seats at the Olympic downhill event.  (Oh, that’s so damn clever.) News tonight that members of the federal government are jumping the queue  (a good word to display my British heritage on a Canadian newscast) to obtain Olympic event tickets.  Reports indicate government members and their cronies (damn that’s a fine nondescript word, especially with my accent – brilliant) were given first dibs on tickets to Olympic events, leaving the public in many cases unable to obtain entry to the events after waiting hours on the phone to place their order.

Terry Mewlleftski in Vancouver tonight.

Uh, I’m in Ottawa, now, Peter.  Remember I got transferred here as part of the network’s cost-cutting measures?

Right, thanks Terry.

No tickets for Terry.

With us in the studio, now, is Wendy Measly, with our next story.

Damn, she looks hot.  Too bad we called it quits.

Thanks, Peter.

Why aren’t there any chairs around here?  Are we trying to save money again?

The impression I get after spending all week investigating and wearing the same clothes as I am tonight are that Canadians aren’t just ticked at the government for proroguing, or for the one person in the country who hasn’t heard that term yet, suspending Parliament.  Just take a look at this picture of Fisheries Minister Gail Shea who had a tofu cream pie thrown in her face this week by a PETA member demonstrating the seal hunt.

Canada’s Fisheries Minister – the cream of the federal cabinet

Thanks, Wendy.  You might say that’s a sweet picture, ha, ha.

Ha, PETA – Pies for Everyone Tossed by Asshats

Did I just say that out loud…oops.

Peter’s got that look in is eye.  Man, it’s harder to get rid of him than it is my old feather duster – just like that Swiffer commercial.   Oh, oh.  Now I can’t get that “I Want You Back” song out of my head.

Watch it, Peter, I felt that!

And that’s the National, Good Night.

###

And that’s my contribution to this week’s Theme Thursday. We’re doing “impressions” and “feelings” this time around. Hop on over there and follow the links to see how other folks interpreted this week’s theme.  I’m a day early again because, ahem, I felt like it.

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14 Comments

Filed under Theme Thursday

14 responses to “The Gnash-shun-all

  1. lol. seems your arrows hit the mark…

  2. nothing like a little rant about your impressions to made you feel better! LOL!

  3. Funny stuff. If laughing truly does extend your life, you probably added a month to mine. Happy TT

  4. Awesome you dufus. We have much more in common with Canada than i thought although no parliamentary dissolution that would mean they’d miss free dinners. I’m looking forward to the Olympics tho.

    • Hey, happy belated Aussie Day, Baino. Yeah, imagine. Not only does our government suspend Parliament to “focus on the Olympics” but the politicians get the best pick of the tickets. But some of the skiing events are in trouble. The temp’s so mild the hills have melted. Should be interesting.

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