Hello Canada, and hockey fans in the United States and Newfoundland.
VANCOUVER (Slings and Arrows) – In a surprise announcement this morning that left the hockey world reeling, men’s olympic hockey Team Canada Executive Director Steve Yzerman announced a late addition to the team. Steve “Hip-Check” Harper has been called up from the Ottawa Senators – the ones in the Red Chamber – after spending the prorogued session of Parliament practicing under the tutelage of Senators Jacques Demers, former Habs coach, Frank Mahovlich, former Leafs and Habs player and former CTV reporter Jim Munson. Munson, a “pick-up” enthusiast, never played professional hockey but has been known to lift an elbow or two off the ice.
“I’m thrilled,” said Hip-Check Harper. “Now Canadians will see me in action. And I don’t have to bring Parliament back. It was either this or another command performance at the National Arts Centre. But like I told Sports Illustrated, playing professional hockey outweighs the prestige of being Prime Minister, or singing Beatles songs.”
Executive Director Yzerman said he was happy to have Harper aboard, “What else could I do? He threatened to prorogue the Olympics if I didn’t put him on the team.”
Harper, a huge fan of Gordie Howe and Wayne Gretzky, will wear number 666. He was to have worn number 999 and be referred to as “The Best in the West” but the Team tailor apparently sewed the numbers on upside down by mistake, and now the PM will be known as “The Beast from the East”.
Asked if he thought “Hip-Check” would attract attention to Team Canada, Yzerman replied, “Are you kidding? It’ll be just like that junior hockey incident in Quebec. He’ll be like that Mikael Tam of the Quebec Remparts. The only problem will be there won’t be just one Patrice Cormier from Rouyn-Noranda jumping over the boards to get a piece of him – everyone at GM Place will want to knock him out!”
Hockey analyst Don Cherry was said to be anxious to see if Harper was going to wear a visor.