Too Many Head Cases
OTTAWA (Slings And Arrows) – As the National Hockey League continues to struggle with the ongoing problem of “head shots”, Slings And Arrows has learned that steps are being taken to ban the practice in the House of Commons.
House Speaker Peter Milliken is on the verge of announcing stiff penalties for the use of head shots in the Commons chamber.
“It’s simply out of hand and it’s becoming quite embarrassing for us all to see the results of such action,” said Milliken. “The Prime Minister was the victim of so many shots, he prorogued Parliament. Then, after three months away from this place, he still wasn’t stable on his feet and he wanted to change the words to the national anthem. He’s still so shell-shocked he now wants to govern via You Tube.”
“There are other examples,” said Milliken. “Look at Helena Guergis. She’s obviously the victim of repeated severe head trauma. What else could explain her calling the birthplace of Anne of Green Gables a hell hole, even if she was working her ass off for those people?”
“The latest case involves Mike Duffy, who’s quickly becoming the Senate’s answer to one of the biggest head cases we have – the PM’s Parliamentary Secretary and government spokesman Pierre Poilievre. How else can you explain a former reporter criticizing journalism schools for engaging students in critical thinking. If we adhered to his way of thinking, next thing you know the Senate would be full of ex-journalists.”
“I tell you we’ve got to put a stop to cheap shots…er, ah…head shots. Cheap shots we’ll always have. We wouldn’t exist without them. But head shots can leave permanent damage.”
When asked how he intended to prevent head shots, Milliken indicated he was going to make helmets mandatory apparel during the daily Question Period. Visors would be optional. While the governing Conservatives are against the helmet theory, the Bloc Quebecois were expected to sport the visors.