There was one major story in the country this week. Our editorial cartoonists had their own view of this newsmaker…
Monthly Archives: April 2010
Comfort and Currency
Sarah Palin spoke at a charity event in Hamilton, Ontario last night and is rumoured to have earned $200,000 for her efforts. She avoided any talk of politics and did not allow questions following her address. Here’s a checklist of things Sarah used to identify with her Canadian audience and not confuse them with the many American groups such as Tea Party audiences she speaks to. They weren’t written on her hand.
– mention Wayne Gretzky
– support NHL franchise bid
– speak like a Canadian: say “oot” and “aboot”
– tell audience you often get mistaken for a Canadian, in particular Helena Guergis
– limit references to Afghan war to “freedom isn’t free”
– drink Tea and Party like it’s 2012
– don’t mention militia, leave guns at home
– say “right next door” a lot
– demonstrate flexibility using bendable straws
– use private jet or fly first class
– take money
Stephen Harper Snares Drummer Gig – Goes After Youth Vote
OTTAWA (Slings And Arrows) – Canadian super group Nickelback announced today they’ve hired the fourth drummer in their 15 year career, rivalling Spinal Tap for the number of drummers employed by a mediocre rock and roll group.
Kroeger and new Nickelback drummer Steve ‘Boom-Boom’ Harper
“Stephen Harper’s the perfect candidate,” said leader Chad Kroeger. “The guy’s from Alberta, like the rest of us and he’s shown he can perform in public after playing that Beatles’ song at the National Arts Centre.”
Kroeger says Harper has started practicing with the group, learning the group’s music catalogue, as quickly as he can. “At this rate he’ll prorogue the House again by May so we can get out on tour.”
“He’s really in to our older stuff like “Not Leavin’ Yet” and “Leader of Men”, says Kroeger. He says he’s been singing that stuff for years.
“It’s a match made in heaven,” says the band’s leader and front man. “Like Nickelback, his government is no stranger to criticism. Nickelback’s been dissed for it’s lack of creativity. Ditto Harper. We’ve been told our lyrics are “bone-headed”. Ditto speeches by Harper.”
” Finally, we’ve inspired a Facebook group called Can this pickle get more fans than Nickelback? And Steve’s inspired a Facebook Group called Can this onion ring get more fans than Stephen Harper?,” says Kroeger. “And everyone knows how well pickles and onion rings go together!”
When asked by a reporter if Harper knows how to play the drums, Kroeger responded, “Well, ah, no, I can’t say the guy has got much rhythm. After all, he’s been out of step since he formed his first government. But, hey, he’ll fit right in with the rest of us in the group, man.”
“Ba-da-boom. We’re here all week.”
Is anybody there? Hellooooo?
The Catholic Church is broiling this week as news of a steamy scandal spreads like wildfire, otherwise known as a stinging STD, throughout members of the church. Slings and Arrows has learned through frank and unnamed sources high in the Catholic Church, that an increasing number of church leaders have been engaging in eating hot dogs. This, of course, is contrary to the oath taken by priests not to place unconsecrated objects in their mouths.
Critics have been said to relish this latest development in the series of scandals that have befallen the Holy See. Atheists, for example, say on the balance sheet of scandals between Hollywood and the Holy See, they always knew the Holy See would ketchup. The Holy See, in a statement issued earlier today said, “The Holy See wishes it saw this coming – what are we, blind? We’re the Holy See for Christ’s sake.”
Pope Bendadick expressed his sadness over the news. Caught choking back a hot dog… er, um, tears, he said “The wieners weren’t even Kosher,” as his pointy little hat quivered. “Hell, near as I understand, they weren’t even Oscar Mayer.” Some clerics, caught red-hot-handed, were heard to exclaim they wished they were Oscar Mayer wieners, poof.”
But the saddest aspect of this latest scandal involves a Wisconsin priest who told authorities God told him he must tardily eat 200 hot dogs. He ate the wieners between 1950 and 1975 and just to be sure he ate them slowly, he ordered them from a deaf Buddhist hot dog vendor who couldn’t hear his order of “one with everything”.
Some say the Pope, known at the time as Cardinal Ratzinger (his real name, I’m not making this up) covered up the incident in the mid 90s. Others inside the church say Ratzinger was one sauer kraut when he learned of the wiener revelations.
Church insiders say the problem doesn’t come as a surprise. ‘They drink wine every time they say mass,” said one anonymous source. And they take a vow of celibacy. Something’s gotta give. I can understand why they need a little wiener now and then. Uh, hold the onions.”
This post first appeared on The Parody Files
But Junior Minister Will Still Dance With The Stars
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER (Slings And Arrows) – Prime Minister Harper indicated his disappointment today over his junior Minister’s tardiness. “First Charlottetown, now Cape Kennedy. This is two flights she’s missed.”
On Monday we reported in an exclusive story that Helena Guergis was set to be launched from the federal cabinet and into outer space to join up with 4 other women astronauts to set a world – or out of this world – record for the most women in space at one time. The Prime Minister was quoted as saying he considered Guergis a natural for this task as the entire caucus considered her out of this world.
According to a letter sent to the PMO by a NASA official who witnessed the event, Guergis showed up only minutes prior to lift off and was told she should have arrived sooner. She replied, “Sooner? I’m down here working my ass off for you people.” She then removed her space boots and threw them into the launch pre-check basket and banged on a glass door in an attempt to delay the launch. She then proclaimed “It’s my fucking birthday.” But then muttered, “Damn, I already used that one in Charlottetown.”
She says she was late because she and husband Rahim Jaffer, who was recently let off on drunk driving and drug possession charges were sharing a last-minute Coke before blasting off.
Guergis says that since she knows she’ll soon be out of a cabinet job, and has to pay off an $800,000 Rockcliffe mortgage, she and husband Jaffer will be applying to the producers of Dancing With The Stars. “Well Rahim and I have both danced our way out of trouble in the past. I don’t see why this wouldn’t work for us – we’re naturals. And if Kate Gosselin can get on that fuc… excuse me, that show, anybody can. Now if you’ll excuse me we have to start practicing. We’re gonna dance our asses off for you people.”