The Catholic Church is broiling this week as news of a steamy scandal spreads like wildfire, otherwise known as a stinging STD, throughout members of the church. Slings and Arrows has learned through frank and unnamed sources high in the Catholic Church, that an increasing number of church leaders have been engaging in eating hot dogs. This, of course, is contrary to the oath taken by priests not to place unconsecrated objects in their mouths.
Critics have been said to relish this latest development in the series of scandals that have befallen the Holy See. Atheists, for example, say on the balance sheet of scandals between Hollywood and the Holy See, they always knew the Holy See would ketchup. The Holy See, in a statement issued earlier today said, “The Holy See wishes it saw this coming – what are we, blind? We’re the Holy See for Christ’s sake.”
Pope Bendadick expressed his sadness over the news. Caught choking back a hot dog… er, um, tears, he said “The wieners weren’t even Kosher,” as his pointy little hat quivered. “Hell, near as I understand, they weren’t even Oscar Mayer.” Some clerics, caught red-hot-handed, were heard to exclaim they wished they were Oscar Mayer wieners, poof.”
But the saddest aspect of this latest scandal involves a Wisconsin priest who told authorities God told him he must tardily eat 200 hot dogs. He ate the wieners between 1950 and 1975 and just to be sure he ate them slowly, he ordered them from a deaf Buddhist hot dog vendor who couldn’t hear his order of “one with everything”.
Some say the Pope, known at the time as Cardinal Ratzinger (his real name, I’m not making this up) covered up the incident in the mid 90s. Others inside the church say Ratzinger was one sauer kraut when he learned of the wiener revelations.
Church insiders say the problem doesn’t come as a surprise. ‘They drink wine every time they say mass,” said one anonymous source. And they take a vow of celibacy. Something’s gotta give. I can understand why they need a little wiener now and then. Uh, hold the onions.”
This post first appeared on The Parody Files