Monthly Archives: June 2010

Queen Begins Canadian Tour

It’a A Kind Of Magic

by nonamedufus

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA (Slings and Arrows) – Fans of royalty in this Atlantic port city were the first Canadians to get a glimpse of her majesty on her latest tour of the Canadian realm.

As her plane touched down yesterday, the skies opened up.  Deplaning, the Queen was overheard saying to her Chief of Staff, Galileo, “Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very frightening me, Galileo.”

High temperatures and large crowds are thought to be responsible for a young girl bearing flowers for the Queen to faint in her presence.  “Another one bites the dust” Prince Phillip was heard to murmur.

As the local Halifax bicycle team paraded by the royal couple, the Queen commented that she always enjoyed a good bicycle race.

When asked by well-wishers how she and Prince Phillip had remained married for so long, Queen Elizabeth replied, “Oh, it’s a crazy little thing called love”.

The crowd on hand was polite and appreciative save one member who was heard to remark, “She sits so much, it’s a wonder she’s not a fat bottomed girl.”

One of the Fat Bottomed Girls?

The Queen appearing to bask in the adulation of the crowd, whispered to Prince Phillip, “I want it all – people think I want to break free but I want it all.”

An appreciative group of monarchists in the crowd  began to chant “She’s a killer Queen”.   The Queen reacted with a smile, saying, “They love me like there’s no tomorrow.”

Some broadcast journalists in the media contingent thought it was all so much radio ga-ga, remarking that at times she blows hot and cold.  Others were heard to comment that it was quite understandable as she’s always under pressure.

Ask any monarchist, however, and they’ll tell you that “These are the days of our lives”.

Overhearing such positive remarks, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip from the royal viewing stand and whispered, “We are the champions!”  But Phillip replied, “Pshaw, who wants to live for ever.”

A group of Newfoundlanders who had travelled from the “rock” to catch a glimpse of the royal couple held a banner aloft inviting them to visit their province.  It read, “we will, we will rock you!”

But it was an aging hippie in the crowd who, squinting  through her pink granny glasses, best summed up the day with, “You know, I liked them a lot better when Freddie Mercury was alive.”

God save the Queen


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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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Willie and Frankie – Part 1

Willie and Frankie are two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls in the wake of the summer recess.

Frankie: Hey Willie.

Willie: Hi Frankie.

Frankie: How’s the Hall of Honour?

Willie: A lot more honourable now that those yahoos have returned to their ridings.

Frankie: Shhh!

Willie: What?

Frankie: Someone could hear you!

Willie: C’mon Frankie, it’s the middle of the night.  Nobody’s here except you and me.

Frankie: Boy that was some Parliamentary session, wasn’t it?

Willie: Tell me about it.  You know one day I was watchin’…

Frankie: That spineless nit-wit they call the leader of the Official Opposition?

Willie: Yeah.  And he was asking a question of…

Frankie: Big Boy Billion Dollar Boondoggle Harper?

Willie: Yeah. And instead of the Prime Minister answering…

Frankie: That Pit-Bull Pretty Boy Bullshitter Baird jumped up?

Willie: Yeah!

Frankie: Oh, I HATE when THAT happens.

Willie: You know what I hate?

Frankie: No, what?

Willie: Well one day I was on duty, you know, outside…

Frankie: The so-called Chamber of Sober Second Thought?

Willie: Yeah, except on this day it was the snoring chamber of no thought whatsoever.

Frankie: Oh yeah?

Willie: Yeah.  And the snores were so loud you’d think you were watching a World Cup match.

Frankie: Oh, I HATE when THAT happens.

Willie: Yeah.  It was really annoying.  You know it reminded me of the time in the men’s washroom when Gilles Duceppe, Jack Layton, Michael Ignatieff and Stephen Harper were all…

Frankie: Uh, Willie, I don’t think I want to know.

Willie: Yeah, I HATE when THAT happens.

Frankie: Hey, I’m hungry.  You wanna raid the Parliamentary Restaurant kitchen.

Willie: Hey come on Frankie, that’d be stealing from the taxpayers.

Frankie: Like around this place that’s gonna make a difference?

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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On Speaking One’s Alleged Mind

You’ve got to love the recent rash of high-profile folks speaking their minds., when they would have done best to shut the heck up.  For example, BP CEO Tony Hayward, shortly after the blast that resulted in the deaths of a number of rig workers and in mega-millions of gallons of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico, said “I want my life back”.  Meanwhile, who knew BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanburg could have topped his corporate colleague a little later with, “We care about the small people.” Both Hayward and Svanburg are still employed, so far.  Although, after his performance at a Congressional hearing last week Hayward’s been relieved of his day-to-day duties overseeing plugging the leak.

Then there were the widely reported comments by the doyenne of the White House Press Gallery, Helen Thomas, who – obviously on a slow news day – mused aloud: Jews should get the hell out of Palestine and go home to Germany, Poland or the United States.  The 89 year-old reporter for Hearst Newspapers later resigned.

Here in Canada, NDP deputy leader Libby Davis had a Helen Thomas moment with her own anti-Israel comment: “The occupation started in ’48.  It’s the longest occupation in the world.” She went on to propose an international boycott and sanctions against Israel. She’s still deputy leader but Parliament just rose for the summer so something else will come along to make people forget about her mis-speak.

Wait a minute!  Libby, you’re already in luck.  Alberta’s Minister of Culture had a brain fart last week that got considerable international coverage.  Listening to a panel discussion at the Banff World Television Festival Lindsay Blackett waded in with the following: “I sit here as a government representative for film and television in the province of Alberta and I look at what we produce, and if we’re honest with ourselves … I look at it and say, ‘Why do I produce so much shit? Why do I fund so much crap?'”

Come on Mr. Blackett.  Don’t apologize.  We all know the corporate and media elite, not to mention politicians, are full of shit.

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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Hard Spews, Straight Squawk

by nonamedufus

All Belly-Aching, All The Time

Ottawa (Slings and Arrows) – It’s being touted as Fox News North, however the faux American right-wing all news channel would appear to be leaning a little to the left at the moment.

Quebecor Vice President Tory Makemesick, er, um, Kory Teneycke and his boss, Quebecor President and CEO Pierre “I’ve Got More Money Than I Know What To Do With” Karl Peladeau announced their plans for the new network Tuesday, in Toronto, referring to it as “hard news, straight talk”.

If they get their license Canadians can expect massive sun stroke.

Their first hire was David Akin of Canwest and a former CBC Power and Politics panelist.  Among their subsequent hires were former CBC reporter “bad girl” Krista Erikson.  CBC’s Parliamentary Bureau Assignment Editor Tobias Fisher has deigned to hang his hat in the new Sun News Parliamentary Bureau.  And when you think of it K.T. was a highly paid Power and Politics panelist on CBC after his term as Stephen Harper’s mouthpiece.

Kory, is there anyone left in the CBC bureau?

So what gives?  K.T. himself has been quoted as saying his outfit will be based on the Fox News channel south of the border, which takes a completely right-wing approach, whipping up the far right in America.

Why don’t you hire Megan Fox?  She’s even got the right name! And she’d really give Wendy Mesley a run for her money.

Are we to understand Canada’s far right journalists have all worked for the CBC; the very network K.T says is full of left-wing nut jobs, is boring and he’s out to defeat?

I’m looking forward to a right-wing news network full of boring left-wing reporters.

Founding Sun newspaper editor Peter Worthington must be rolling over in his grave. Oh, wait.  He’s not dead yet.

Wow, who knew he worked with that right wing yahoo Lou Grant — or is that Rush Limbaugh?


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No More Man On The Moon

Liberal Caucus Saddened

by nonamedufus

OTTAWA (Slings And Arrows) – Many members of the federal Liberal Caucus, as well as party members across the country, were saddened to learn today of NASA’s imminent plans to dismantle it’s program that would have once again put a man on the moon.

No more man in the moon?

The so-called Constellation Program is effectively being dismantled as the construction of the rockets and spacecraft that were to have taken astronauts back to the Moon is being wound down.

President Obama recommended the program be scrapped in February because it was over budget, behind schedule and lacking in innovation.  Critics of Obama’s approach and of NASA’s recent actions have referred to the space program curtailment as “boldly going nowhere”.

Liberal party members, speaking anonymously – because that’s what they do best – say the description of “over budget, behind schedule and lacking innovation” is a phrase that could well be used to describe the Liberal Party these days. “Hell, we’re boldly going nowhere,” said one anonymous source, “or my name isn’t Bob Rae.”

Policies? Shhhh! We’re working on it.

Party members are disappointed over the demise of the space program because they had intended to nominate Opposition Leader Michael Ignatieff as the next Canadian member of the Man On The Moon Program.

“Why not?” inquired another anonymous party member by the name of Denis Coderre, “Canadians already know him as a man on the moon, why should’t we formalize it.  Like one former Liberal demigod once said, ‘a proof is a proof'”.  And he added, “It may not be Toronto, but it’s close enough.”

It may have been a small step for man but it would have been a huge step for the Liberal party!

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