Monthly Archives: August 2010

Public Gets Glimpse Of Real Harper – He Makes The Rules

“I think I make the rules”

*

*

I MAKE THE RULES

I’ve been a Reform, er, Alliance, um,  Con forever

And I made the very first rule

I put the words and the madness together

I’m the PM

And I make the rules

*

I make the rules that make the country ring

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I make the rules that make the voters cry

I make the rules, I make the rules

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My government’s out to screw you

And we’ve got a hold on your soul

Now when we launch a new surprise

We feel warm again, even though we’re very cold

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I make the rules that make the country ring

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I made the rules that made Guergis cry

She broke the rules, she broke the rules

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Oh I make my ministers dance

And don’t give them a friggin’ chance

And I pushed prorogation to save our ass

Long-census did depart

Hell, that’s a real fine place to start

It’s from me, and from Baird

Keeps Clement pale and scared

It’s an Ottawa pig-fuck, see?

*

I make the rules not just for ATV-ing

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I’ll make the rules ’till the day I die

Don’t be a fool, don’t break my rules

***

With apologies to Bruce Johnston who wrote “I Write The Songs”

No apologies to Barry Manilow for singing it.

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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News We’d Like To See

This just in…

In a bizarre incident today, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, while in the North as part of a display of Canadaian sovereignty, was accidently set adrift on an ice burg with three military personnel and an unidentified woman.

There was no immediate action taken to rescue him. Our thoughts go out to the unidentified woman. In what can only be considered as an unfortunate oversight, no one thought to bring a flag .

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The Singing Sri Lankans

Tamils Sing Way Into Canada

by nonamedufus

VANCOUVER (SLINGS AND ARROWS) – After being turned away by country after country a boatload of 490 Tamil migrants was finally allowed to land on Canada’s western shores several weeks ago only after they sang their way into the country.

Tamil spokesman Nhoj Revned tells Slings And Arrows that Immigration officers told him and his fellow countrymen they had to demonstrate their singing abilities in order to enter Canada.

“Celine Dion is so yesterday and we’ve disowned Justin Bieber,” said one unnamed immigration official. “Now we need something new, something fresh.” Luckily the migrants were all members of the Sri Lankan Choral Society and had been singing their own versions of John Denver songs to pass the time on their long voyage. It was the following re-make of Country Roads that clinched things for the singing Sri Lankins:

Almost heaven, West Vancouver

There’s some mountains and the Fraser River

Life is good here, can I have some tea?

Can you take me in today, I’m a refugee

We’ve got loads, take us home

To the place, I be-long

West Vancouver, not Sri Lanka

Take us home, we’ve got loads

All my mem’ries are of Buddha

Island nation, no stranger to blue water

But there’s terror, things that make me cry

And they’ll shoot ya, right between the eyes

We’ve got loads, take us home

To the place, I be-long

West Vancouver, not Sri Lanka

Take us home, we’ve got loads

I hear your voice, in the morning hours you call me

“Turn around, go back, to your home far away”

And drivin’ home the point I get a feeling

That this all happened yesterday, yesterday

We’ve got loads, take us home

To the place, I be-long

West Vancouver, not Sri Lanka

Take us home, we’ve got loads

***

KSSK8M4TYD9A

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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Second Refugee Ship Set To Land

Canada Rocked by Aging Influx

by nonamedufus

VANCOUVER (SLINGS AND ARROWS) – Quick on the heels of last week’s landing of the Sun Sea cargo ship containing 490 Tamil refugees, which in and of itself sparked a considerable debate among Canadians over the issue of illegal immigrants, comes word a second ship is steaming towards the port of Vancouver in search of asylum.

According to Canadian Coast Guard officials, the ship the ShouldbeDeadandGone is listing slowly towards Canada after having been turned away from every country it has attempted to gain access to date.

While the government is remaining tight-lipped over the nationality of those aboard Coast Guard officials say the limping vessel contains members of re-formed 60s pop groups.

Public Safety Minister Vic Toetapper says group members were led to believe they were joining a Dick Clark Rock ‘n Roll Revival and paid as much as $40,000 to $50,000 per member for the passage. “Dick Clark is making a massive profit at the hands of these washed up musicians,” said Toetapper.  “And now these washed up musicians are washing up on our shores. It’s not righteous, brother. Well actually it is.  I understand Bill Medley is among the passengers.”

“First the tide rushes in, plants a kiss on the shore”

When asked for his comment, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “Hell, man, I’ll jam with anybody.”  The PM, who has visited Abbey Road Studios, performed Beatles songs in concert and jammed with Brian Adams, Nickleback and the Barenaked Ladies, inquired, “Is Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers aboard? I just love that do-wap shit – as Canadians well know.”

“I think this is how Steven Page got himself into trouble”

Coast Guard officials were able to confirm the 47th incarnation of the Beach Boys were aboard having some fun, fun, fun.  They also indicated the surviving members of Gerry and the Pacemakers weren’t gonna let the sun catch them crying. Meanwhile, Donovan was doing what he could to help the ship’s mechanic ensure the aging vessel made it to Canadian shores, given his experience as a hurdy gurdy man.

In a clear case of the pot-belly calling the vessel black, former Guess Who lead singer, Canadian Burton Cummings said,”Hey, if no one else wants these aging rock and roll nobodies, why should we take them?  We’re simply not about to share the land.  Canadians should be shakin’ all over.”

“Don’t come hanging round my door I don’t want to see your face no more”

This post first appeared at The Parody Files

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Willie And Frankie – Part 3

These are the continuing adventures of Willie and Frankie; two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls in the wake of the summer recess. Um, “adventures” might be too strong a word.

Frankie: Hey, Willie. Long time no see!

Willie: Yeah, I’ve been on…

Frankie: Vacation?

Willie: Yeah!

Frankie: Well you missed some interesting times around here.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.  Like what?

Frankie: Well, Michael Ignatieff and his Liberal Express visited with…

Willie: Paul Martin?

Frankie: Yeah, him, too. But I was going for…

Willie: Jean Chretien?

Frankie: Yeah, yeah. And a couple of days after he needed…

Willie: A vaccination?

Frankie: What? No, no.  He needed brain surgery.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: But the guy’s a marvel. A day or two later he was up and walking around. His doctors…

Willie: Emerson, Lake and Palmer?

Frankie: Wha? Why do you say that?

Willie: You know.  ELP are world renowned for their brain salad surgery.

Frankie: Ewww, I hate when you do that!

Willie: Say you know who really needs brain surgery?

Frankie: Tony Clement?

Willie: Got it in one, my friend.

Frankie: Yeah the census sensai had absolutely no concensus on his silly census changes.

Willie: You said a mouthful, Frankie.

Frankie: What’s wrong with this guy? He’s flip-flopped over this issue more than…

Willie: A batch of deck-bound rainbow trout from Clement’s government funded, taxpayer provided Muskoka Lake shangri-la?

Frankie: Um, ah, yeah.

Willie: That Mr. Harper sure has some weird ideas sometimes. Remember his idea to change…

Frankie: the National Anthem?

Willie: Yeah, that was it.  Or that time he was gonna remove…

Frankie: Parliamentary allowances for political parties?

Willie: Yeah. Sometimes I wonder how this guy remains in power.

Frankie: Yeah, now he’s getting rid of the long form census, even though every statistician worth his abacus has argued against it.

Willie: And I heard chief statistician Munir Sheikh resigned over this.

Frankie: Yep, I guess as Nancy Sinatra used to say, he told the Minister “These boots are made for walking”.

Willie: Or as KC and the Sunshine Band once said the guy’s conscience told him to: “Sheikh you’re boot, eh?”

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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