Monthly Archives: October 2010
A year ago Slings And Arrows stuck its head up out of the internet humour blog trough and started to parody and satirize politics – primarily Canadian politics, although we’ve been known to take a swipe at the goings-on in the US of A and once or twice we’ve poked our lance all the way to France.
Our congratulatory messages from the Prime Minister, Opposition leader, other pugnacious politicians, idols of industry and mavens of media must be in the mail. At least that’s what their offices said when I asked them, right after they said “Slings and who?”
To commemorate this auspicious (or suspicious if you prefer) occasion I’m re-running one of my favourite posts, which happened to run in October last year. Amazing how it’s really true that just like they say (who are “they” anyway) “the more things change the more they remain the same”. Enjoy…
In the lead up to a network rebrand to CBCNN (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News Network) CBC Newsworld’s News Morning dumped it’s lowly paid business reporter and replaced her with business “commentator” Kevin O’Leary. O’Leary does his interviews from wherever his travels take him. One day he’ s in the studio. The next in a limo to the airport via broadband. The following day he’s in a hotel room via Skype – fully dressed, thank goodness. Recently, host Heather Hiscox interrupted his early morning squash game at some far-flung gym to do their interview.
Kevin O’Leary appears on the CBC’s Dragon’s Den and ABC’ s Shark Tank. He is CEO of O’Leary Funds and a multimillionaire.
THE DOLLAR TAKES A DUMP
Heather: We now go to Kevin O’Leary for this hour’s update on today’s market trends. Kevin, how are you and where are you today?
(sound of toilet flushing)
Kevin: Well, Heather, I must say you’ve caught me at an awkward moment. I guess you could say there’s movement on the markets this morning. That’s what coffee does to me sometimes. That and the Mexican food I had for dinner last night.
Heather: I hope that’s not your comment on where the markets are headed this morning?
O’Leary: Pungent financial analysis
Kevin: Oh, no, Heather, ha, ha, they certainly aren’t down the toilet by any means. Indeed, I’d have to say traders are flush with excitement today at the prospect of the Canadian dollar losing parity to it’s American counterpart.
Heather: And why would they be excited, Kevin?
Kevin: Well, it’s really a trickle down effect we have here, Heather. A lower domestic currency makes our exports more attractive.
Heather: I see, so that’s a good thing, then.
Kevin: Well, Canadian consumers well be pissed off. But I’m sure they’d rather be pissed off than pissed on.
Heather: And exporters?
Kevin: Oh they’ll be happier than pigs in shit, Heather – happy their goods aren’t going down the crapper on the world market like they did when our currency was close to par with the American dollar.
Heather: Has the government backed consumers into a cubicle, as it were?
Kevin: Well, consumers may think the economy’s in a stall, Heather, but in reality they’ll be able to relieve themselves from the pressures of the market place.
Heather: Did the government see this coming, Kevin?
Kevin: Actually, you could say the government was caught with it’s pants down this morning…
Heather: Along with a certain financial analyst.
Kevin: …and market conditions may remain unstable and flatulent for a while yet. In the end, though, I think many investors could wipe up.
Heather: I see. Well thanks for clearing the air Kevin. So I guess you could say that while the dollar’s a little exhausted, it isn’t pooped.
Kevin: That’s right Heather. My overriding message to Canadians would be that while things could be a little messy in the short-term, over the long haul, “Urine fine shape”.
Heather: Thank you Kevin. Business commentator Kevin O’Leary with a significant report from the men’s room at the Starbuck’s at Yonge and Bloor in Toronto this morning.
Finance Minister thinks O’Leary’s financial analysis stinks
Here They Go Now Here They Go
OTTAWA (S&A) – The Speaker of the House of Commons announced today that backbenchers from all parties would soon be getting a little extra help during the daily Question Period. The House of Commons is about to become the first legislature in the country to have it’s own cheerleaders.
The bipartisan squad known as The Raucous Caucus has been practicing routines for several weeks now in the Railway Committee room.
“The move is intended to create an air of civility in the House,” said Speaker Orr Ater. “Half the time backbenchers act like trained seals applauding their leaders and the other half they act like buffoons hooting and hollering across the aisle at members opposite. These young people will enhance the in-House experience.”
The speaker says they’ll wait to see if they should blast loud dance music in the House between leader’s statements.
The Speaker is hopeful this measure will tone down the buffoonery while at the same time engage people in the public galleries as well as viewers of the Parliamentary Channel.
The new Usher of the Sis-Boom-Bah, Priscilla PomPom told Slings and Arrows, “We’ve got a number of simple routines worked out aimed at lowering the rhetoric and heightening the support for civil debate.”
Ms. PomPom says the cheers include one worked up for Conservative backbenchers:
Who rocks the House? (clap, clap)
I said Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)
And when Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)
We rock it all the way down (clap, clap)
A cheer’s been pulled together for the Liberals, too.
Give me an I
Give me a G
Give me another G
Give me a Y
What’s that spell? (Iggy)
What’s that spell? (IG-GEE…YAY, WA-HOO)
And the cheerleading team is currently working on a chant for the NDP
We know Jack (clap)
You don’t know Jack (clap, clap)
And that’s as far as Ms PomPom and her girls have got on that one.
The Bloc Quebecois are cheerleaderless because Ms PomPom said they couldn’t work up a cheery routine around separatism.
Speaker Orr Ater was asked why he undertook this unusual measure. He replied, “Hey, if it’s good enough for the Edmonton Oilers then it’s good enough for snake oil salesmen.”
Declaration Full Of It
ST. JOHN’S, NEWFOUNDLAND (S&A) – Hard on the heels of a Health Canada advisory issued Tuesday, which Slings and Arrows reported warned of the dangers of municipal, provincial and federal BS emissions, the Government of Canada has announced it’s commitment to implement new standards for political emissions and hot air quality.
Federal Environment Minister Jim Prentice says the standards will be implemented in 2013 and include public reporting, modelling and monitoring mechanisms to keep Canadians informed about the quality of air in their legislatures.
“This is very important to Canadians because it’s very much a health issue,” said Prentice, after wiping up after a meeting with his provincial and territorial counterparts. “Even in our meeting the air was blue, the discussions exaggerated and overblown,” said the federal environment minister. “However, kudos to my counterparts for realizing that such emissions can’t go on unchecked without seriously impairing Canadians sensibilities.”
The conference, titled “Verbal Diarrhea – Changing Political Attitudes From Lax to Ex-Lax” was a catered affair. But Ministers kept costs down by ordering Chinese take-out. Their menu included such items as Hu Flung Dung and Sweet and Sour Bull.
Prentice added that the new standards would also help Canada negotiate cross-border pollution with the U.S.
“With the advent of the Tea Party, political emissions from the States have increasingly been full of it,” said the Minister. “Sarah Palin, for example, is among the worst offenders and who, having visited Canada on several occasions has severely polluted our air.”
He concluded, “We need to get our shit together here in this country so we can influence our neighbour to the south, known to be one of the world’s worst BS emitters.”
OTTAWA (S&A) – Health Canada has taken the unusual step of issuing an advisory to the public concerning the ever increasing problem of bullshit emitters.
The federal department’s advisory stated, “We have been bombarded with complaints from Canadians right across the country as politicians of all levels and parties have stepped up their emissions.”
Dr. Ivan Fecal of Health Canada says municipal elections across the country are known to poison the environment at about this time every couple of years. “However, complicating matters this year is the level of crap coming from certain provincial governments such as British Columbia, Ontario and Quebec.”
Stung by accusations recently that it was the most corrupt province in the country, Dr. Fecal says Quebec’s government has also been found to have the highest bullshit quotient across the country.
“Of course,” says the good doctor, “municipalities and provinces pale in comparison to the masters of bullshit emitters – federal politicians.”
Dr. Fecal says it was one thing when federal politicians were simply full of hot air but these emissions have lately gone right off the scale and represent a severe health hazard to Canadians everywhere.
Health Canada can’t force politicians’ withdrawal from the environment as they don’t fall under their purview. But they urged Canadians everywhere to put the environment first and since they had elected these stinkers only they had the wherewithal to recall them.