Category Archives: Parliament

Parliament In Need Of Extreme Makeover

Canadians learned last week that Ottawa’s historic Parliament buildings require an extreme makeover costing somewhere in the area of $5 billion and expected to take over 15 years to complete. Couple this with some alleged shady dealings between the government and Hill renovation contractors it’s obvious Prime Minister Harper is in need of a renovation expert.

The solution lies with HGTV. Sure, think about it. They have all the experts in one place. Overseeing the parliamentary precinct project would be -who else – Mike Holmes. This guy’s undertaken new homes in flood-ravaged New Orleans, an energy-efficient home from the ground up and houses on First Nations reserves. If you want to do it right, call Mike.

Given the shenanigans that have resulted in shoddy renovations to date Mike will want to bring in that guy from Disaster DIY. He in turn might want to get MPs from all parties engaged. After all there’s nothing like a little Sweat Equity.

Now, understandably, the House of Commons needs to find a new place to hold their debates while renovations are undertaken to the Centre Block. Who better to call than House Hunters. They find houses for people every single week – every day in re-runs. I’m sure they can find a House of Commons.

The Senate will have to move too. I think we should call those Brits from Relocation, Relocation, Relocation. Phil and that frumpy woman. You know who I mean. The one that dresses like a cow. Kirstie Allsopp, yeah that’s her.

Helping Parliamentarians moo-ve

To ensure taxpayers get their money’s worth the government should bring in the folks from Bang For Your Buck.

To undertake these renovations economically the people at Hidden Potential might be useful.

Of course Canadians will have to buy into this approach so that guy who sits on the roof in Buy Me might be hired to mount a communications campaign.

But he better keep it straightforward and simple. After all, Canadians aren’t exactly Property Virgins.

Make it right, Mike.

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Parliamentarians Get Their Own Cheering Section

Here They Go Now Here They Go

by nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – The Speaker of the House of Commons announced today that backbenchers from all parties would soon be getting a little extra help during the daily Question Period. The House of Commons is about to become the first legislature in the country to have it’s own cheerleaders.

The bipartisan squad known as The Raucous Caucus has been practicing routines for several weeks now in the Railway Committee room.

Do those guys have to look up our dresses like that?

“The move is intended to create an air of civility in the House,” said Speaker Orr Ater. “Half the time backbenchers act like trained seals applauding their leaders and the other half they act like buffoons hooting and hollering across the aisle at members opposite. These young people will enhance the in-House experience.”

The speaker says they’ll wait to see if they should blast loud dance music in the House between leader’s statements.

The Speaker is hopeful this measure will tone down the buffoonery while at the same time engage people in the public galleries as well as viewers of the Parliamentary Channel.

The new Usher of the Sis-Boom-Bah, Priscilla PomPom told Slings and Arrows, “We’ve got a number of simple routines worked out aimed at lowering the rhetoric and heightening the support for civil debate.”

Ms. PomPom says the cheers include one worked up for Conservative backbenchers:

Who rocks the House? (clap, clap)

I said Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)

And when Steve rocks the House (clap, clap)

We rock it all the way down (clap, clap)


A failure with the Tory caucus, Helena Guergis tries out for the Raucous Caucus

A cheer’s been pulled together for the Liberals, too.

Give me an I

Give me a G

Give me another G

Give me a Y

What’s that spell? (Iggy)

What’s that spell? (IG-GEE…YAY, WA-HOO)


And the cheerleading team is currently working on a chant for the NDP

We know Jack (clap)

You don’t know Jack (clap, clap)


And that’s as far as Ms PomPom and her girls have got on that one.

The Bloc Quebecois are cheerleaderless because Ms PomPom said they couldn’t work up a cheery routine around separatism.

Without cheerleaders BQ leader Duceppe is reduced to giving Harper a raspberry

Speaker Orr Ater was asked why he undertook this unusual measure. He replied, “Hey, if it’s good enough for the Edmonton Oilers then it’s good enough for snake oil salesmen.”

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Willie And Frankie #6

These are the continuing adventures of Willie and Frankie; two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls long after MPs and Senators have retreated from the Parliament buildings for the day. Um, “adventures” might be too strong a word.

Frankie: Heya Willie how’s it going?

Willie: Fine Frankie. How about you?

Frankie: Oh, I don’t know. Did you ever take…

Willie: …the Usher’s Black Rod?

Frankie: Yeah! And ram it so far up your inner ear canal until your eyes crossed?

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Yeah it’s kinda like what the Conservatives did to the Liberals this week.

Willie: Waddaya mean, Frankie?

Frankie: Well, no sooner did Harper’s boys lose that United Nations vote and with it a seat on the Security Council when they blamed Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff.

Willie: So you’re saying the government gave it to Canadians in the ear?

Frankie: Yeah, or…

Willie: Some other orifice?

Frankie: You got it in one Willie.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: And the other day Bruce…

Willie: …who works on days?

Frankie: Yeah. He told me the Prime Minister accidentally got locked in his private bathroom and all you could hear from the third floor to the basement was him yelling “Damn, damn, damn you Ignateiff”.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Yeah and the other day his limo got a flat on Sussex Drive on it’s way to the Parliament Buildings and passers-by heard him yelling “Damn that Ignatieff. It’s all his fault.”

Willie: Yeah and I heard that Pierre “Skippy” Poilievre blamed Michael Ignatieff for his run in with the RCMP security team last week.

Frankie: When he he opened the security gate and didn’t wait for them to search his car.

Willie: Yeah, he said the devil Michael Ignatieff made him do it.

Frankie: It’s sad isn’t it. The Conservatives would have Canadians believe that every time something goes wrong around here it’s Michael Ignatieff’s fault.

Willie: Yeah, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: But good old Bob Rae got a good one in when he said on Facebook “Maybe going for that chocolate glazed and the double double rather than speaking at the UN wasn’t such a great idea.”

Willie: Oh, yeah, I remember that. Last year Stephen Harper decided to attend a photo op at Tim Hortons rather than the UN General Assembly. I guess it came round to bite him in his breakfast sandwich.

Frankie: Yeah, too bad he didn’t know his chocolate glazed was frozen not fresh.

Willie: Wait, are you telling me Tim Horton’s doesn’t make fresh doughnuts anymore?

Frankie and Willie: DAMN YOU MICHAEL IGNATIEFF!!!

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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Willie And Frankie #5

These are the continuing adventures of Willie and Frankie; two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls in the wake of the summer recess. Um, “adventures” might be too strong a word.

Frankie: Heya Willie how’s it going?

Willie: Fine Frankie. How about you?

Frankie: Well it’s that time of year. The days are getting shorter, the leaves are starting to turn and there’s a nip in the air.

Willie: The Japanese Prime Minister’s in town, Frank.

Frankie: No, dummy and that’s politically incorrect.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: No it’s getting cool but you can bet…

Willie: …things are gonna heat up around here?

Frankie: Yep, the bus rides and BBQ’s are done with and it’s once again time…

Willie …for the theatre of the absurd?

Frankie: Boy you have a way with words, Willie. Yeah, Question Period.

Willie: Do you know why they call it Question Period?

Frankie: Goes nobody gives any answers?

Willie: Got it in one, Frankie, got it in one.

Frankie: And we’ll get to see…

Willie: …the pitbull and the trained seal?

Frankie: Uh, yeah, Government House leader John Baird and Liberal House leader…

Willie: That premier guy’s brother?

Frankie: Yeah, that McGuinty fella. It’ll be interesting to see them go toe-to-toe.

Willie: Ewww, the dance of scheming politicians.I hate when that happens. What will the big issues be Frank?

Frankie: Well the government’s been…

Willie: …skating on thin ice?

Frankie: Yeah, over that Quebec hockey arena funding business.

Willie: Clear the track here comes funding for a hockey shack!

Frankie: And of course the parties have been jawing all summer over the bill that would do in the long-gun registry.

Willie: If you ask me the government’s taking a shot in the dark.

Frankie: Oh really? If you ask me it’s the NDP who’ve gone off half-cocked.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Well if the last session was any indication it should be pretty interesting around here over the next little while.

Willie: Do you think there’ll be a fall election, Frank.

Frankie: Are you kidding. The Conservatives and Liberals are so tight in the polls, neither wants to go to the people any time soon. No, we’re stuck with this minority government for some time to come.

Willie: Ewww, I hate when that happens.

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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Public Gets Glimpse Of Real Harper – He Makes The Rules

“I think I make the rules”

*

*

I MAKE THE RULES

I’ve been a Reform, er, Alliance, um,  Con forever

And I made the very first rule

I put the words and the madness together

I’m the PM

And I make the rules

*

I make the rules that make the country ring

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I make the rules that make the voters cry

I make the rules, I make the rules

*

My government’s out to screw you

And we’ve got a hold on your soul

Now when we launch a new surprise

We feel warm again, even though we’re very cold

*

I make the rules that make the country ring

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I made the rules that made Guergis cry

She broke the rules, she broke the rules

*

Oh I make my ministers dance

And don’t give them a friggin’ chance

And I pushed prorogation to save our ass

Long-census did depart

Hell, that’s a real fine place to start

It’s from me, and from Baird

Keeps Clement pale and scared

It’s an Ottawa pig-fuck, see?

*

I make the rules not just for ATV-ing

I make the rules for ev-er-y-thing

I’ll make the rules ’till the day I die

Don’t be a fool, don’t break my rules

***

With apologies to Bruce Johnston who wrote “I Write The Songs”

No apologies to Barry Manilow for singing it.

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Willie and Frankie – Part 1

Willie and Frankie are two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls in the wake of the summer recess.

Frankie: Hey Willie.

Willie: Hi Frankie.

Frankie: How’s the Hall of Honour?

Willie: A lot more honourable now that those yahoos have returned to their ridings.

Frankie: Shhh!

Willie: What?

Frankie: Someone could hear you!

Willie: C’mon Frankie, it’s the middle of the night.  Nobody’s here except you and me.

Frankie: Boy that was some Parliamentary session, wasn’t it?

Willie: Tell me about it.  You know one day I was watchin’…

Frankie: That spineless nit-wit they call the leader of the Official Opposition?

Willie: Yeah.  And he was asking a question of…

Frankie: Big Boy Billion Dollar Boondoggle Harper?

Willie: Yeah. And instead of the Prime Minister answering…

Frankie: That Pit-Bull Pretty Boy Bullshitter Baird jumped up?

Willie: Yeah!

Frankie: Oh, I HATE when THAT happens.

Willie: You know what I hate?

Frankie: No, what?

Willie: Well one day I was on duty, you know, outside…

Frankie: The so-called Chamber of Sober Second Thought?

Willie: Yeah, except on this day it was the snoring chamber of no thought whatsoever.

Frankie: Oh yeah?

Willie: Yeah.  And the snores were so loud you’d think you were watching a World Cup match.

Frankie: Oh, I HATE when THAT happens.

Willie: Yeah.  It was really annoying.  You know it reminded me of the time in the men’s washroom when Gilles Duceppe, Jack Layton, Michael Ignatieff and Stephen Harper were all…

Frankie: Uh, Willie, I don’t think I want to know.

Willie: Yeah, I HATE when THAT happens.

Frankie: Hey, I’m hungry.  You wanna raid the Parliamentary Restaurant kitchen.

Willie: Hey come on Frankie, that’d be stealing from the taxpayers.

Frankie: Like around this place that’s gonna make a difference?

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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There Are Some Things Money Can’t Buy…

Members of Parliament appear to be coming around to the Auditor General’s request of reviewing their expenses.  In some cases (ie. Michael Ignatieff) there’s been a complete flip-flop in positions held on this issue.  Perhaps politicians have realized that the voters want to know.  But how will MPs “sell” to Canadians some of the expenses the AG uncovers?

Camera pulls back from Member of Parliament sitting in a deep red leather chair, smoking a cigar and being served a glass of port by a manservant…

Voice/over:

Cigar allowance:  $1200

This week’s meals at Hy’s Steak House and  Momma Theresa’s, wine included:  $5,00o

HD flat screen TV for office:  $2000

The Beatles Stereo and Mono Box sets:  $500

Flowers for secret admirer: $1000

Flowers for the wife:  $2000

Investment in Rahim Jaffer’s company (government MP only):  $25000

Donation to Bob Rae’s leadership fund (Liberal MP only):  $20000

MP raises glass in a toast to the viewer, blows smoke (if you know what I mean)

There are some things money can’t buy – For everything else there’s an MP’s secret expense account.

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