Category Archives: Uncategorized

Willie And Frankie #7

These are the continuing adventures of Willie and Frankie; two security guards on Parliament Hill, walking the deserted and darkened halls long after MPs and Senators have retreated from the Parliament buildings for the day. Um, “adventures” might be too strong a word.

Frankie: Heya Willie how’s it going?

Willie: Fine Frankie. How about you?

Frankie: Oh I don’t know. Did you ever take…

Willie: A questionable renovating contractor’s T-square?

Frankie: Yeah, and tried to balance it on your head but it falls off your head and cuts your big toe off?

Willie: Eeew, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Yeah I think there’s something nasty afoot when it comes to these Parliament Building renovations.

Willie: Aside from your big toe?

Frankie: Yeah I think something stinks around here, Willie.

Willie: Are talking about illegal contracting practices?

Frankie: No, now I’m talking about my big toe. I think gangrene’s setting in and oh does it smell.

Willie: Eeew, I hate when that happens.

Frankie: Speaking of stinky political practices, I see the government made a decision on that big potash transfer business.

Willie: Yeah, now what’s that all about, Frankie?

Frankie: Well an Australian mining company called BHP Billiton undertook a hostile takeover.

Willie: Speaking of hostile that’s exactly how Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall appears these days.

Frankie: With good reason. He wanted the takeover turned down. He says the province stands to lose billions of dollars in lost revenue. He’s in a real set-to with Ottawa over this.

Willie: Geez, Frankie, sounds like there’s more fertilizer coming from the politicians than under the ground in Saskatchewan.

Frankie: Good one, Willie.

Willie: I just have one question Frankie.

Frankie: What’s that Willie?

Willie: Well, first, I thought pot was illegal in Canada and, second, wouldn’t you have to smoke a lot of it to come up with enough pot ashes to make the deal worthwhile?

Frankie: Eeew, I’d hate if that happened.

With apologies to Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest from Saturday Night Live 1985.

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Ministers Promise New Emission Standards

Declaration Full Of It

by nonamedufus

ST. JOHN’S, NEWFOUNDLAND (S&A) – Hard on the heels of a Health Canada advisory issued Tuesday, which Slings and Arrows reported warned of the dangers of municipal, provincial and federal BS emissions, the Government of Canada has announced it’s commitment to implement new standards for political emissions and hot air quality.

Federal Environment Minister Jim Prentice says the standards will be implemented in 2013 and include public reporting, modelling and monitoring mechanisms to keep Canadians informed about the quality of air in their legislatures.

“This is very important to Canadians because it’s very much a health issue,” said Prentice, after wiping up after a meeting with his provincial and territorial counterparts. “Even in our meeting the air was blue, the discussions exaggerated and overblown,” said the federal environment minister. “However, kudos to my counterparts for realizing that such emissions can’t go on unchecked without seriously impairing Canadians sensibilities.”

Prentice unveils political emission standards – no shit!

The conference, titled “Verbal Diarrhea – Changing Political Attitudes From  Lax to Ex-Lax” was a catered affair. But Ministers kept costs down by ordering Chinese take-out. Their menu included such items as Hu Flung Dung and Sweet and Sour Bull.

Prentice added that the new standards would also help Canada negotiate cross-border pollution with the U.S.

“With the advent of the Tea Party, political emissions from the States have increasingly been full of it,” said the Minister. “Sarah Palin, for example, is among the worst offenders and who, having visited Canada on several occasions has severely polluted our air.”

Cross-border polluter. We pale in comparison.

He concluded, “We need to get our shit together here in this country so we can influence our neighbour to the south, known to be one of the world’s worst BS emitters.”

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Queen Begins Canadian Tour

It’a A Kind Of Magic

by nonamedufus

HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA (Slings and Arrows) – Fans of royalty in this Atlantic port city were the first Canadians to get a glimpse of her majesty on her latest tour of the Canadian realm.

As her plane touched down yesterday, the skies opened up.  Deplaning, the Queen was overheard saying to her Chief of Staff, Galileo, “Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very frightening me, Galileo.”

High temperatures and large crowds are thought to be responsible for a young girl bearing flowers for the Queen to faint in her presence.  “Another one bites the dust” Prince Phillip was heard to murmur.

As the local Halifax bicycle team paraded by the royal couple, the Queen commented that she always enjoyed a good bicycle race.

When asked by well-wishers how she and Prince Phillip had remained married for so long, Queen Elizabeth replied, “Oh, it’s a crazy little thing called love”.

The crowd on hand was polite and appreciative save one member who was heard to remark, “She sits so much, it’s a wonder she’s not a fat bottomed girl.”

One of the Fat Bottomed Girls?

The Queen appearing to bask in the adulation of the crowd, whispered to Prince Phillip, “I want it all – people think I want to break free but I want it all.”

An appreciative group of monarchists in the crowd  began to chant “She’s a killer Queen”.   The Queen reacted with a smile, saying, “They love me like there’s no tomorrow.”

Some broadcast journalists in the media contingent thought it was all so much radio ga-ga, remarking that at times she blows hot and cold.  Others were heard to comment that it was quite understandable as she’s always under pressure.

Ask any monarchist, however, and they’ll tell you that “These are the days of our lives”.

Overhearing such positive remarks, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip from the royal viewing stand and whispered, “We are the champions!”  But Phillip replied, “Pshaw, who wants to live for ever.”

A group of Newfoundlanders who had travelled from the “rock” to catch a glimpse of the royal couple held a banner aloft inviting them to visit their province.  It read, “we will, we will rock you!”

But it was an aging hippie in the crowd who, squinting  through her pink granny glasses, best summed up the day with, “You know, I liked them a lot better when Freddie Mercury was alive.”

God save the Queen

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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Let Your Fingers Do The Walking

With the bailouts and the health care debate behind him, American President Barack Obama now has to contend with the huge BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  One of the funnier things I’ve seen associated with his predicament is “drill, baby, drill” proponent Sarah Palin saying Obama’s in bed with big oil.  Of course, as Governor of Alaska, or as Republican vice-presidential candidate, she wasn’t.  Hmmm.

The latest popularity figures show 42 per cent of Americans approve of Obama’s performance.  On the down side, the same poll shows most Americans have “come to believe that the political system is broken, that most politicians are corrupt, and that neither political party has the answers.”  Furthermore, just 27 per cent believe Congress knows what it is doing and, most telling of all, when it comes to the economy, 41 per cent say that a group of people randomly selected from the phone book would do a better job than the current Congress.

Boy, wouldn’t you like to see some of those questions asked in Canada.  Is it any wonder John Diefenbaker once said “dogs know best what to do with polls.”

Speaking of which imagine what Stephen Harper is thinking.  The scandal plagued, anti-abortion, right-leaning, jet setting, redacted documents and MPs aren’t submitting expense accounts Prime Minister must be looking at Obama’s so-called “dropping” popularity figures with polling envy seeing how earlier this month 29 per cent of Canadians said they thought he was the best federal party leader to be Prime Minister.  29 per cent, people!

Seems Obama has the upper hand!

Of course, it’s still nearly double what Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff achieved at 17 per cent.  Sad, sad, sad.

All in all, though, I’d like to see Canada adopt that approach referred to in the American poll.  Instead of on election next time out Canadians need to cover their eyes and take a blind stab at the phone book.  We couldn’t do any worse!

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The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

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