AIR CANADA ANNOUNCES SERVICE IMPROVEMENTS

AIRLINE MAY FLY YOU TO THE MOON, BUT IT WILL COST!

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

MONTREAL (S&A) – Recent attempts by Air Canada at “service improvements” such as the short-lived ban on unaccompanied minors flying alone, and the continuing curiosity of the dried-out eight-dollar sandwich as an in-flight “meal” have left many Air Canada customers, alienated and disgusted.

But Air Canada’s hard-working Customer Satisfaction Branch believes that as of last week when it announced the first two of several service improvements, Canada’s “national airline” is well on the way to “turning all those customer frowns into customer smiles” as Mitzi Flyme, the branch director put it.

A new approach to airline service – plane and simple

Effective immediately, passengers will be able to choose seats with slightly more leg-room by paying a surcharge of $35 on a one-way ticket.  According to Flyme, any passenger over four foot-two (metric measurement available for a fee by contacting S&A) will find this service a restful and soothing enhancement of their Air Canada flying experience.

A similar charge will be in place for mothers flying with newborn babies.  One new mother who didn’t wish to be identified reacted with a curt:  “WTF”!?

Industry insiders who claim to be familiar with Air Canada’s long term customer satisfaction plan have told S&A that at least two other “customer satisfaction initiatives are in the pipeline:

• For twenty dollars, the airline will guarantee that if a cabin attendant does not answer a passenger service buzzer within seventeen minutes, the passenger will be given the choice of a free dry sandwich or any left-over Pringle’s Chips.
• In an air industry first, at fifty dollars per passenger, Air Canada will offer flights where the pilots have been breathalyzer-certified sober.

Flyme refused to confirm or deny that such plans are in the works.

When approached for a comment from Transport Minister John Baird’s office, a spokesperson told S&A that the minister would be available to answer any question at fifty dollars per.  S&A staff are currently passing the hat to raise money for the first question.

Baird not keen on airline food.

 

True Intent of Discover Canada Discovered

Tories Intolerant?

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – Slings and Arrows has obtained an early draft of Discover Canada, the citizenship booklet released last week by the Government of Canada.  Discover Canada: The Rights and Responsibilities of Citizenship was originally titled Uncover Canada – Love It Or Leave It and the subject matter was considerably different than the version released later.  It was, indeed, aimed at turning away immigrants, posing extremely difficult questions intended to fail any non-Canadian taking a citizenship evaluation.

For example, it asked potential citizens to name famous Canadians who appear on American media.  While one might expect a question about Canadian media stars to include people like Don Cherry, Peter Mansbridge and Sandi Rinaldo, answers in the early draft guide are limited to such Canadians in America as Lorne Green, Robert MacNeil, John Roberts, Howie Mandell, Alex Trebek and Neil Young.

We came this close to putting that draft out

Citizenship and Immigration Minister Jason Kenney, in an exclusive interview with Slings and Arrows, confirmed the original direction the guide was to take.  ”We took our lead from the Prime Minister.  A real Canadian doesn’t watch Canadian news or entertainment.  He gets his information from American television.  Or so I’ve been told,” said Kenney.

However, Kenney says at the 11th hour common sense – and the Friends of the CBC – prevailed and the guide was altered to make it more “Canadian”.

“We’ll still be able to stump potential citizens and send them back to where they came from but Anne of Green Gables, Canadian Tire, Tim Horton’s and Howard the Turtle will once again take their place in the pantheon of  Canadian identity”  said Kenney.  ”Oh, and for our potential Quebec voters, erm, ah, friends Passe-Partout.”

The Minister was somewhat saddened that the original version was deep-sixed as, in his words, “it was really quite cleverly written.  The subsequent version, compiled quite quickly but which nevertheless missed our deadline isn’t half so engaging.”  The government’s view would appear to be better late than clever.

Howard – Canadian turtle and icon

Theme Thursday presents other views on “late” beginning Thursday.  Ours is today because we didn’t want to be late.

LOU DOBBS, SARAH PALIN SECRETLY MARRIED

SHOCK AND UGH IN THE DESERT!

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

RENO, NEVADA (S&A) Just days ago, the chattering classes, were bemused to hear Lou Dobbs, failed businessman and CNN television personality of sorts announce he was leaving the network immediately. In his farewell remarks, Dobbs spoke cryptically of the encouragement he received from various unnamed “ … leaders in media, politics and business (who) have been urging me to go beyond the role here at CNN. …” .  In a worldwide exclusive, S&A can now reveal that one of those “leaders” is Sarah Palin, herself a failed politician and vice-presidential candidate.

It’s Sarah for me.  Others Palin comparison.

Sources close to both Palin and Dobbs, all speaking on condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisals, have allowed  S&A to piece together the story of this dangerous liaison as it seeped out of Wassila, Alaska trickled to Washington D.C, and is now puddling in Reno Nevada.

Shortly, before her own surprise resignation announcement as Governor of Alaska, last summer, Palin awoke from a deep sleep in the broad daylight of an Alaskan summer night.  At that moment, she concluded that the only way she could become president was by quitting her governor’s job, writing a book, divorcing Todd, who, as she put it with a wink and smile, “Sure he’s a champion dogsledder and all and that’s all good in Alaska, but he’s no Dale Earnhardt.  You know what I mean?” and by finding a suitable consort in the southern 48, “She said what she needed was a Romeo and Cleopatra kinda thing” said a Wassila intimate.

Lou’s hard…on Mexicans.

Though it was three in the morning in Connecticut, Dobbs was awake and his mind, remarkably, was thinking similar thoughts:  “I just gotta get out of CNN, they don’t understand me there and besides, the ratings are beginning to tank.  And if I’m gonna keep on calling myself, “Mr. Independent” and calling the Mexican president and his countrymen idiots, I’m gonna have to dump my wife Debi Lee because if I don’t, people will think I’m soft on Mexicans and I’ll never get to be President.”  Just then, the phone rang it was Palin.  The foxy governor and buxom television personality were about to start the ride of their lifetimes.

Negotiations were quick, uncomplicated and privy only to a few intimate sycophants on each side.  This past Friday, each obtained a quickie Nevada divorce and the happy couple was immediately married at the Chapel of Elvis, The Too Soon Taken From Us.

S&A was unable to uncover even one major detail of this union in the quest for the presidency:  Who will be on top?

Michael Ignatieff Talks to Himself

No One Else Will Listen

by Uni Bomber and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) – On the heels of this week’s by-election results where the Liberals failed to win a single seat  Slings and Arrows has caught up with Liberal Opposition Leader Michael Ignatieff, the thinking-man’s politician, deep in thought, contemplating the injustice of the situation being used as one more mark against his leadership.

[sings to himself]

Day after day, alone on a hill, the man with the foolish grin is keeping  perfectly still…

They made Peter Mansbridge Chancellor of Mount Allison University?  And I’m still stuck in this job?  One of the deep thinkers of our time – yeah, right!  Talk about an injustice…

Iffy: We can do better.

Iffy: So you keep saying.  That slogan’s come back to haunt us.

Iffy: I don’t know what more I could have done.  I gave all the Liberal candidates that version of the Harvard fighting song we sing at caucus each week.

Iffy: How does that go again?

Iffy: Latin or English?

Iffy: English s’il vous plait

Iffy:

Ten thousand men of Harvard want vict’ry today

For they know that o’er old Stephen

Fair Harvard holds sway

So then we’ll conquer all old Stephen’s men

And when the game ends, we’ll sing again

Ten thousand men of Harvard gained vict’ry today

Iffy: Wow.  I’m impressed.  Bob would have hit them with a chorus of Follow the Yellow Brick Road and left it at that.

Iffy: That Rae.  He tickles my ivories.  Thinks all it takes to be a leader is to leave weather updates on his Facebook page.  Now there’s an example of “Rae’s Daze” for you.

Iffy: Oh, I see what you did there.  Very good.

Iffy: Huh?

Iffy: Never mind. So looking back, how did the rest of our week go?

Iffy: Not so great. That pollster Nick Nanos says it won’t do any good to politicize the H1N1 debate. Now what will I do?

Iffy: Get shot..er, ah, a flu shot?

Iffy: Has Hedy Fry opened up her Parliamentary clinic yet?

Iffy:  No we talked her out of it, remember?

Iffy: Yeah she was no problem.  It was the rest of caucus that needed a talking to.  Good thing I brought in Peter…Peter…what’s his name…

Iffy: Donolo.  New blood…used to work for Chretien.

Iffy:  Yeah, yeah, the Great Communicator – and no one’s heard from him since I made him my Chief of Staff.

Iffy: You know that dopey snowboarder candidate in Kelowna could be a stroke of genius.

Iffy: How do you figure?

Iffy: We’ll get him to run on a platform of using medicinal marijuana to combat H1N1.  That’s sure to attract the youth vote.

Iffy:  Just what we need in Ottawa – more Little Liberals.

Iffy: Just thinking out loud.

Iffy: And look where that’s gotten us!

***

For non-Ignatieff related injustices, elect to hop on over to Humor Bloggers Dot Com where November is Anti Injustice Month.

LEONA AGLUKKAQ A GENDER OFFENDER

Health Minister Misidentifies Girls Before Swine

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) Slings and Arrows has learned and can report exclusively how Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq came to lead the government’s efforts in last week’s emergency H1N1 parliamentary debate  In something that resembled a scene from the movie The Untouchables, Stephen Harper – playing Al Capone, a role he gained 30 pounds for- chaired the last cabinet meeting, baseball bat in hand, and forced each of his ministers to read a passage from the Bible at top speed.

The object of this bent game was to have the winner deliver the government’s main speech in the emergency debate on its handling of the Swine Flu problem.  As it turned out, appropriately enough, the winner was Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq, although Trade Minister Stockwell “I’m in charge here” Day came a close second.

The needle and the damage done

As embarrassed cabinet members slinked out of the meeting in search of Hedy Fry’s parliamentary H1N1 clinic, a delighted Harper, was heard to say that, “You can get further with a kind word and a long-gun than with just a kind word.”

When reporters responded, Huh?”, Harper replied, “Sorry, wrong debate.  Although she could have put more soul into it given that it was the well known Book of Genesis, she was very fast and she did say that on the 7th day God created vaccines.  Besides, I just loved the way she made those cute little directionless chopping motions with her hands. And you know, it kind of reminded me of second grade when those of us who could read, blasted through ’Dick and Jane’ like it was nobody’s business.   Still, I’m not sure if she understood everything she read.  She kinda reminds me of Senator Jacques Demers in that way.”

We’ve got to move fast – chop, chop

Observers who later watched Aglukkaq’s speech in the House, where she defended the government’s actions to ensure adequate amounts of vaccine, could not help but think that they too were reliving a ‘Dick and Jane’ moment as the minister blew through her speech so quickly she failed to properly identify the gender of the Speaker.  Almost thirty times, she looked at the woman occupying the Speaker’s chair, looked down at her speaking notes and each time looked back at the woman in the chair and called her “Mr. Speaker”.  Luckily the Deputy Speaker, a rather plain looking woman even in a good light, took no offence.

Much like when Hansard editors record “Some Honourable Members: ‘Here, here’” to cover up less than honourable parliamentary language, the Health Minister’s gender bender transgression has since been erased from the formal record of debate.  Media queries to Agluukaq went unanswered as the Minister refused to be needled by reporters.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into an H1N1 clinic…

Crime Bill Tackles Canadian Football League

Argonauts First Team Affected

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) - Slings And Arrows from time to time this month, as the need arises, will undertake the thankless task of routing out injustice.  Why?  Because we don’t care and are proud of it.  Our first example involves, appropriately enough, Canadian Justice Minister Rob Nicholson.

In a bold move last week Nicholson unveiled the latest initiative in his government’s “Getting Tough On Me” campaign.  Before a hushed and befuddled press corp, Nicholson announced just how tough his campaign will be.

“The Tackling Me program will begin with Toronto’s CFL franchise,” said the Minister.  ”The Argos are the worst team in the league.  They need tough love and that’s who we’ll tackle first.  You’d think they walked around with “tackle me” signs taped to their backs.”

Not to be confused with Tackling Crime

The Minister indicated Ottawa may be the program’s next target.  ”They’re so bad their team folded,” said Nicholson. “I’d like to tackle them next.”

The Justice Minister emphasized Tackling Me had nothing to do with the similar sounding government program Tackling Crime.  ”Although,” he said,”it is a crime how poorly any sports team with Toronto in front of it’s name seems to perform in their respective league.”

The foregoing was a public service message from Slings and Arrows aimed at underlining an example of injustice in Canada.  For more examples of injustice visit Humor Bloggers Dot Com all this month.

Up In Smoke

The Times They Aren’t A-Changin’

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

KELOWNA (S&A) In the Canadian city that promotes itself as “ripe with surprises”  comes a development sure to live up to the the city’s self-aggrandizing moniker.  Splif-sucking snowboarder Ross Rebagliati who only recently won the Liberal nomination in the local federal riding and subsequently a chance to carry the Olympic torch through the community, has decided to give up on both initiatives.

“Look,” said Rebagliati, “I’m a quiet, low-key, soft spoken individual who doesn’t like to draw attention to myself.”  *inhales deeply, coughs* “It’s not my style to stir up controversy, man, ya dig?”

In February 1998, Rebagliati made Olympic history when he won the first ever gold medal for stoner snowboarding.  His life subsequently has been a series of highs and lows…mostly highs.

Rebagliati says he dropped out of the Olympic torch marathon because organizers deceived him.  ”I thought it was a huge doobie, man.  I thought it was a giant joint.  I thought I’d be marching in a marathon to liberalize marijuana laws.  But, no, they wanted me to carry this friggin’ flame.  What’s up with that?”

Don’t bogart that torch, my friend.

Organizers downplayed the snowboarder’s decision indicating that between the 127 government ridings the torch was scheduled to pass through and the number of CTV personalities carrying the flame no one would even notice he was missing.

Ivan Fecan, President and CEO of CTVglobemedia says 27 network personalities are bound to divert attention from the incident.  ”We’re in good shape with people like Brian Williams, Sandi Rinaldo, Lisa LaFlamme and Dave Hodge.”  But Fecan mispoke himself. Williams was forced to remind Fecan that sportscaster Dave Hodge wasn’t selected to participate.

Dave’s not here, man…

Fecan added, “Thank the lord Mike Duffy’s in the Senate and not still on the air.  If the former CTV media heavyweight were carrying the torch we’d still be here come the next winter games, in 2014, waiting for it to arrive.”

As for Rebagliati’s political aspirations, observers had speculated his chances of winning as a Liberal running up against straight-laced,Conservative Party stalwart Stockwell Day were Iffy, at best.

Royals To Repatriate Canadian Castles

Hamilton’s Dundurn Castle First To Go

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

In the midst of a cross-country tour supposedly aimed at rallying the troops, as it were, and endearing the Royal Family to Canadians, Prince Charles shocked monarchists and anti-monarchists alike this morning.  Canadians have come to expect shocking comments from the man who once said he wished he was his mistress’s tampon but today’s actions took HRH’s (His Royal Half-wit’s) looniness – and we’re not talking national symbol – to a whole new level.

“I really like your medals.”

Accompanied by his wife, Camilla Parker Bowels, the sedate and composed Duchess of Cornwall, the aging and ever-eager heir to the throne announced in the midst of a visit to Hamilton, Ontario’s Dundurn Castle that the monarchy was embarking on a massive repatriation scheme.

“It has become increasingly clear to mother and I that the vast majority of colonials have become disaffected with us,” said Prince floppy ears.  Things came to a head a week or so ago when the Governor General declared herself Canada’s head of state.  Well, I don’t mind telling you my ears were burning.  Everybody knows I… erm, mother is the head of state.  We have no choice but to take our castles and go home.  Besides,” concluded the Prince, “we’re running out of places to play polo.”

The Prince then indicated that, in lieu of the millions of dollars in lost revenue normally paid by the Government of Canada to support the monarchy, the Royal Family would undertake a massive castle repatriation operation to replace this lost revenue.

The so-called castle-keep initiative will begin immediately with the transfer of Dundurn Castle and will include Casa Loma in Toronto, Hatley Castle in British Columbia, the hotel Chateau Frontenac in Quebec and the White Castle on the corner of Somerset and Bank streets in Ottawa.

“And perhaps 24 Sussex,” the Duchess of Corral, er Cornwall neighed in.  ”The Prime Minister told us only yesterday ‘Our home is your home’”.

The Duchess of Cornwall – picture of equine-imity.

The Prince made his abrupt announcement after a heated discussion with his wife over a long, heavy lunch.  Observers speculate he may have been suffering a nasty bowels problem.

“One Dundurn deserves another.”

The gang at Theme Thursday will have many more interpretations of “castle” for your viewing pleasure Thursday, save for the keeners like me who couldn’t wait.

A Journey Through The Mind Of Evan Solomon

by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

I’m late, I’m late for a very important date.  No time to say hello, goodbye.  I’m late, I’m late, I’m late…

Don’t say “Power Play”, don’t say “Power Play”, don’t say “Power Play”

Hello, and welcome to Power 1…2…3…4…and Politics.  I’m Evan Solomon.

Did it, yah, got it right. That’s a whole week now and I didn’t say it.  Stupid producers.  Why’d they choose a name so close to that other guy’s show?

Those were the days…when I worked with whatz-er-name

Let’s see, what issue could we turn into an earth-shattering, cataclysmic event today.  I don’t think we’ve ratcheted up the swine flu story enough yet.  Maybe we could get that hot, young Health Minister on the program for me to badger yet again.

Golly, gee, look at this neat studio.  And to think they built it all around me.  Whee, isn’t it great to be young and good-looking and working for the CBC.  Move over George and Jian, woo-hoo.

Okay, focus, focus.  Time to go to work.

Okay we want to dig really deep into this story yeah right about as deep as two and-a-half minutes will allow and to do that I’m joined by MP Bob Rae, Bob Rae the Liberal MP, Liberal MP Bob Rae, Bob Rae the MP.  Thanks Bob Rae the MP for joining us. I hope my young ADD-led viewers realize he’s an MP.

Okay, our thanks to MP Bob Rae.  Thank you MP Bob Rae.  That was Liberal Bob Rae, an MP.

Boy time’s really flying.  We’ve managed to cover six stories without really telling the viewers anything about them.  This new-age journalism schtick isn’t all that hard afterall.

Hey!  Maybe I can do another little bit on Peter Donolo.  Who is this guy?  Who the heck is this guy?  Uh, oh, right, I was told not to ask that question anymore since I’m the only one in this town who seems not to know who he is.  Even Rosemarie Barton knows him.  But who the heck is he anyway?

Now we get to do our Romper Room segment with Kady.  She’s so good at reading the quotes we put up on the screen for the viewers.  Hey, that’s why our audience watches TV in the first place isn’t it?  They can’t read.  Kady’s such a good reader.  Too bad her segment runs deep in the second hour of the show when nobody’s watching anymore.  Sigh…

And that’s Power 1…2…3…4… and Politics for another day.  Thanks for watching.

Does this suit make me look fat?

I love my glass-topped desk.  It’s so cool and makes me look like Rick Mercer.  I wonder if the CBC got a special on glass desks?  Hmmm…

PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES PARLIAMENTARY CHANGES

USHER OF THE BLACK ROD OUT, PARLIAMENTARY WHIPPING BOY IN
by Uni Blogger and nonamedufus

OTTAWA (S&A) - In one of the most significant changes to a British-style House of Parliament in over 500 years, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that he has eliminated the Canadian Senate’s Usher of the Black Rod and replaced it with the Parliamentary Whipping Boy.

A press briefing package accompanying the announcement described the moves as part of the Conservative government’s “… ongoing incremental package of changes to parliament especially as they relate to the Senate.”  The briefing note went on to say that since the Usher of the Black Rod is effectively the Senate’s Sergeant-at-Arms, and since that chamber is used primarily for napping, the Usher’s role could easily be handled by the House of Commons Sergeant-at-Arms.  The document further explained that “ … because the role of Whipping Boy was created by British monarchs three hundred years after the creation of the Black Usher, this change is further proof that the Government is serious about modernizing Parliament.”

End of the line for Usher

MP Pierre Poiliviere, age 31, who recently secured his life-time parliamentary pension after six years of service, has been named by Harper as the first Parliamentary Whipping Boy.  Until today, Poiliviere was MP for a suburban Ottawa riding.  He was also Parliamentary Secretary to the prime minister where he earned the moniker PM’s Powder Monkey in reference to all of the unnecessary political fires he has started over the course of his short career.

Caught in a scrum, Harper, who will soon be visiting China, where his statements on China’s human rights record have enraged its government, says he wants Poilievre in place and with him on the trip “ … in case they take what I say so hard that they try to whip me. “

Poiliviere promoted from PM’s pit bull to parliamentary whipping boy

Asked by a reporter how he intends to use the Whipping Boy in parliament, the PM replied:  “Well, of course as Prince of Parliament, I’ll take a few whacks at him myself from time to time.  But I also see him as a great tension release for cabinet members.  For instance there are times when John Baird is just frothing in Question Period – and that’s no good because he gets spittle all over the front bench.  Well, I could just assign the Parliamentary Whipping Boy to that member to bring on some tension relief”

In an unusual development, Poiliviere was unavailable for comment.